Speak Now

SO i was thinking about Christa Black's tumblr response to someone earlier this week, the one about boys and heartache. I dont' know why but this quote really stuck out to me
“I gave my heart to someone—the thing that my life flowed out of—my emotions, my days, my speech…everything. I handed that heart to someone who had never fought to pursue it, or even shown interest to earn it.
Your soul is your mind, your will, and your emotions, and I’d handed him my soul without him doing anything. It did nothing to affect him…but it was ruining every day of my life.”

i don't know why but it just really stuck in my head.
actually i do know why.
i mean i feel like i do this all the time.
i start to like a guy and i just give him my all without him even knowing. i know it's real bad to do that, but sometimes i guess you just can't help it.
but i've decided i need to be stronger. i need to not give my heart and soul to a guy, especially if he doesn't even care.
I don't know if this sounds weird.
but i mean i keep mentioning how i might possibly have a crush on my best guy friend.
and you know, being home for thanksgiving i realized that i actually do like him.
and i'm pretty sure it's more than a friend.
i don't know dumb things remind me of him, and i want to be like haha oh this reminds me of john, and say that to someone but then i'm like wow. everyone is going to shoot me if i start being like that.
i mean they won't actually shoot me, but they would be disturbed.
and lets be serious my brother and my dad want me to date him anyway.
sam and nina would probably completely back me if i was like so i like him.
my problem is i dont know if he feels that way.
and i can't put myself out there like that, especially if it would ruin our friendship.
i'd rather be his friend than nothing at all.
he's been a rather amazing friend to me since i've known him and i don't want to lose that.
which brings me back to handing someone my heart and soul without them knowing it or earning it.
i mean he definitely should not know. i mean i never said anything to him.
when weirdo kate thought we were having a secret love affair i told him, and i asked him if he thought it was weird she thought that and he said yes.
which i dont know kind of hurt. because i couldn't tell if he meant it would be weird for us to actually of had one, or for her to randomly decide someone is having one.
idk. obviously i overthink things.
such a downfall.
but anyways. i've decided he never asked for my heart and soul, so i'm taking it back.
or i'm reeling it in.
i dont' want to give him something he never asked for, and i'm tired of always feeling hurt when things seem to change.
i mean i always like a guy too much and then i always feel hurt when they date someone else.
so i'm ending it. i'm going to be a strong person and not let my heart and soul just do whatever it wants. i'm taking control and i'm not going to let them just go to anyone. i'm going to wait until someone deserves it and asks for it.
yup.

this also made me think about T.Swift's whole thing about "speaking now" because you never know what will happen.
and i really dont think i can do it.
i don't know, i just don't think i was built for the speak now kind of thing.
maybe someday i'll try my hand at it.
...


anyways hope you all had a wonderful week and thanksgiving and black friday!
my week got much better when i arrived home. i really missed being home.
thanksgiving was strange. idk, it really just was. and my grandmother offered to set me up with a nice quiet boy, the grandson of one of her friends. i just laughed.
i'm kind of thinking whatever is meant will happen.just my philosophy.
didn't go black friday shopping. i wanted to. but i'm absolutely broke. seriously have like four dollars in my checking account and enough in savings for rent and the electric bill for next month :/
kind of freaking out about that. but it's going to all work out...
also had my wisdom teeth consultation today.
getting all four out on december 28th.
not excited at all. in fact i'll probably be super nervous that day.
i know it's like minor surgery, but i'm getting anesthesia. first time for that. and they said it's intravenous.
which um makes me want to cry a bit. absolutely hate needles. but oh well. this way my teeth and gums won't rot like they so lovingly told me. :l
blah.
i've been watching way too much tv this whole time ive been home. like seriously i watched Mary Poppins, Elf, Pretty Woman and the news (well the news was at my aunts house i have no idea why my cousins were watching that) yesterday. today i watched the last hour of Enchanted, The end of back to the future 2, and the entire back to the future 3. Toy Story 3 (well on dvd) and i watched part of a boy named charlie brown.
pretty much am doing nothing in front of the tv.. terrible.
although i did have like 6 loads of laundry to do the past two days. i have no idea how that happened but i got it all done.

oh and depressing news. my school does a junior/senior formal dance.
well they posted the date.
February 26.
this is depressing because last year it def happened in like april.
this gives me so much less time to get a date. so unprepared for this. and i have to buy a dress too. life. goodness.

whatevs. so i'm going to read HP4. so good night!