wisdom teeth extraction of doom.

wisdom teeth out.
mouth hurts a lot.
got them out tuesday.
went in, my doctor gave me the iv then he was like you'll feel loopy in twenty seconds in like fifteen seconds i was like woah everything looks weird then he asked me if i was feeling it and i was like uh huh then i guess i went to sleep idk. yo.
but then i woke up and my teeth were out and i just laughed a lot. then i told my one friend that the world looks nicer haha
idk. anyway life has been pretty boring, and painful.
just want to eat a hoagie or pizza or something but can't.
tired of food that isn't really solid. like ice cream or jello or something.
so annoying.
but oh well soon it'll be okay.
just need to ice my mouth a bit tonight because that actually helps a lot.
oh well.
anyway i'm exhausted because my mouth pain woke me up last night.
can't believe tomorrow is new years eve!
it's like two weeks til i go back to school.
majorly depressed. dont' want to go back.
not prepared for the futureeeeee
boo.
okay well that's it
hope y'all have been okay!

God Loves Ugly

Well Christmas has come and gone
i must say i got sick on christmas i felt like my head was going to explode.
but i'm feeling much better now.
gotta get my wisdom teeth out tomorrow.
:( all four.
quite the adventure that will be.
oh well.
also had to use all my christmas money i got for rent.
so great.
not.
but i just got scheduled for two days of work next week
i just finished housesitting for someone and i'm babysitting new years eve. so hopefully that will bring in some money that i can put away (well most of it)
i really want to buy a pair of boots though and the more i think about it the more i think about this pair i saw at macy's when i was shopping with my grandma for christmas. she didn't like them, but i did. haha
they kind of look like combat boots, except not so manly.
hah i don't know i will have to save up and go shopping and see if they are how i remembered them and if i actually want them
you know?
anyways i hope you all got what you wanted :)
i got lovely gray wool cordones from Toms they are niceee, also got a sony ihome type of thing, some movies, socks, itunes card, clothing.
i enjoy it all
ALSO got Christa black's book God Loves Ugly, and i'm soooo excited to read it. of course i'm still working on the harry potter series. i keep stopping and then picking it up again. i just need to be fly through it then be done! then i'll read God Loves Ugly and this whole bag of books from my grandma! crazy!!!
anyways have a good night :)

of all the girls tossing rocks at your window.

Think i did alright with all my finals! John came over wednesday night to say goodbye before i went home on thursday. it was nice. is it weird that i kind of already miss him...
then nina slept over that night. it was crazy hah. then i we rudely woken up by chainsaws on thursday morning at like 8. because they were cutting down trees right outside my window. i was like why do they have to do that at 8 in the morning... grr.
had my last final at 2:30 finished in less than an hour...it was great. i studied a lot for that final though so hopefully i did alright.
So I got home from school on Thursday night :)
went to see my grandma whom i haven't seen in ...awhile. for her birthday. she was really happy to see me so i'm glad i went.
it is wonderful being home and knowing i have off for a month.
although i work tonight, but that's alright i need the money...
i wish she would schedule me more.. but so far it seems this is the only day i'm scheduled.
sigh.
oh wells
friday i went christmas shopping with my grandma at the mall it was fun! there is this store at the mall that seems to be newer and they have a bunch of things made of alpaca fur. it was pretty awesome!
friday night i watched inception, it was good, the ending was kind of lame though...
then some random kid from camp called me...it was awkward since i didn't know who it was..
haha.
oh well. he like talked to me for an hour though. it was strange haha.
yesterday my dad, brothers and i got a christmas tree :) i loveee the smell of christmas trees so i'm super excited we got one :)
went and did some shopping with my dad. then last night i watched the movie the other guys with my dad. it was alright. idk. it's the kind of comedy you expect from will ferrel now
today i went to church. and then i cleaned up most of the stuff i brought home from school.its still a mess since my brothers never clean so i did my best.
have work tonight at 6:30
really need to do some christmas shopping... like so badly. guess i'll do that tomorrow...oh well.
well i don't know that's pretty much it.
oh wait.. hear some things about someone and i must say they are going down a dangerous slippery slope. they also called me a bitch. not to my face of course. but what can you do.
i'm not surprised she would say that. she's changed a lot from who she was last year.
one of the reasons we are no longer friends.
i think she's pretty close to doing legit drugs...instead of just getting high from pills. but you know to each their own.
i mean i feel bad how our friendship ended, but it happens.
oh well.
i'm going to go do something idk. haha
have a good day!

study.study.study.

so it's finals week.
pretty much the worst week of the year.
my eyes are going to fall out of my head. then my brain is going to melt out.
just sayin'
anyways...lets see last week ended alright. i guess. can't say i actually remember i think i studied too much so far this week...
that's all i remember doing..
hmm no seriously i can't remember what i did this weekend...
oh wait oh wait!
okay friday was the emotions dance show. i always love going to that they have such cool dances. it makes me wish i could dance :)
after that that sam and i made pancakes at like 11 at night and took weird crazy pictures. they are hilarious.
we were basically dancing around the kitchen to crazy rap music
.
I believe we danced to Miley's can't be tamed. and if i chose the right one that should be above this.
we also did crazy dances to rubber band man..
haha. i don't even know.
um went to bed at like one in the morning.
uh woke up at like noon worked on my final paper for awhile. actually for like six hours. even though i only wrote like four pages within that time. sam left to visit her b/f he was having a party.
i watched Across the Universe.
worked on my paper for a bit after that.
then went to bed.
sunday.
went to church.
established my internship :)
uh went to the choir/jazz band concert.
met John's parents. his dad called him a nerd... i laughed.
what can i say it was funny.
um the concert was exciting sang some christmas carols
SANTA (I KNOW HIM!) was there. and Frosty and Mrs. Frosty and Rudolph. it was a crazy time yo.
but it was very enjoyable!
um then we went to church again.
then i studied all night.
had a final yesterday at 2:30
think i did okay.
then i studied like all last night again
had a final today at 11
umm then after that i watched two weird movies on hulu
(happily never after 1 and 2)
and then i started packing to go home and cleaning my room. when i really should be studying...so yeah. i'll be studying some more. then i have a review session tomorrow morning at 9.
my teacher is just mean.
then i'll study some more have a jam session. study some more. then nina is having a sleep over with us i guess.
then thursday. some more studying final at 2:30 then homeeeeeee!!!! YESSSS
i'm so excited.
:)
also the people that live below us have been fighting every night this week at like 1-4 in the morning. not the entire time but just within those hours. it's really annoying. especially since it's finals week. hopefully they work it out.
well going to study now. finally...haha

exhaustion.

Today I kind of feel like my friendship with someone is kind of gone. I mean she still texts me about coming to dinner, but that's about it. And when i go to dinner i really dont talk to her mostly because she usually just talks about science the entire time with John or talks to Kate. so i usually just talk to nina. or sam.
i don't know. we used to have a pretty good friendship i thought but this semester she's been acting really weird. And i barely ever see her except for dinner. It's just weird. i don't even know why she still invites me to dinner, it's kind of useless.
And dinner's are always scheduled around what Kate can do, it's really annoying.
Like today we are eating at 5. that's in 45 minutes. i'm not even hungry... i mean that could be because i ate some special k like 45 minutes ago... or the fact that we normally dont eat until like 6.
I kind of just don't feel like going. I'm so tired, i haven't been sleeping very well. And I want to make sure my paper is good and then send it in. which i guess i could be doing now. but no thanks. haha.
anyways i don't know i'm feeling kind of sick, i'm afraid that i might have a fever. I"m so cold right now and the heat is on in my room but i can't even feel it. i'm like ready to crawl under my blankets and take a nap or something.
but i would probably miss dinner if i did that.
sigh. i just need to get through this week and next week, then i'm home for break.
I can do it.
sigh.
guess i'll work on my paper for a bit, go to dinner, then wait three hours until the Christmas candle light service which i love.
it's just so cold out. i'm so tired
i need to call my grandma too.
goodness.
well goodbye.

"i don't know if you know this about her...but she's really quiet."

Alright so the peer mentor dinner...
yeah it was just as awkward as i suspected.
first i showed up and people were supposed to be taking pictures the first thirty minutes. um my camera is at home hopefully getting fixed. woo awesome.
so i just sort of went for a table where there were already people and asked to join them. i mean i talk to most of them so that wasn't bad.
i took one picture with one person.
yup. shows how many people actually enjoy talking to me at those things. it's whatever. so i just sort of stayed around the table.
then wonderful awkward mike showed up (my third peer partner in case you have forgotten ;) ) and he like saw me waved and came and sat near me right away. i was like oh goodness. so then we were both like awkwardly talking about how we can't wait for break then the conversation ended then. it was a good time. haha
so anyways dinner finally came. it was kind of lame it was salad, bread, green beans, baked ziti and meatballs. we get served these things on a regular basis at school. some catering service it was... the dessert was good though they had like pumpkin roll. and i LOVE the icing center in those things. so that was worth it.
after dinner they gave out awards, only two of them they were like best leader and an achievement award or something.
then it was time for the tributes to the seniors. there were 28 seniors this year.
guess whose tribute was last.
yup.
mine. ahha. my name isn't even last in the alphabet.
i was like oh it's cool they totally forgot about me. whatever.
but they didnt' then which was good because you know i would have been like ahha they really did forget about me. that could have been bad.
anyways the one girl who did it was one of the first people i talked to at summer orientation and she has a pair of toms that i have. which is cool, and then the other guy is actually my cohort leader. which he totally creeped me out the first time i saw him he like kept staring at me and it was weird. but he's pretty cool, and it makes me laugh that he did my tribute.
but it was nice. it wasn't super funny like the first one the tribute to mr. etown. but it was still nice :)
after that we watched a mini seven minute video of pictures then we finally got to leave.
it took over four hours.
isn't that insane.
i think it is.
and i'm glad it's done. i also realized i need to get some stuff done.
i have a presentation tomorrow. that i completely forgot about until like twenty minutes ago.
granted it should be super easy.
but still i was contemplating sweat pants tomorrow but if i have to present that's a no go
such a shame.
anyways after i left i checked my messages, i had six. (5 from twitter. one from John!) the one from John was so nice :)
he was like "thanks again for hanging with me today it was a good escape!"
it totally made me smile because i had been thinking about texting him before the dinner and telling him i really enjoyed our random drive. but then i didn't so i'm glad he texted me that. hah :)
anyways i'm going to prepare my presentation and do some homework i guess... haha.
good night!

Why do you let me stay here? - She & Him

Went to the Lutheran Church in town today. It was kind of awesome. I mean i really do enjoy the non-denominational church services at school at night, but there is just something so much better about going to a real church and having a real service with real pastors giving the sermon instead of just random students. I dont know, i feel like i got so much more out of the service today. the sermon was about Matt. 3:1-12. and the Pastor was talking about cuttings things out of your life that make you feel dead or just as if you can't find God or Jesus. and i realized I did that. and then i was like wow. but then i also was wondering if maybe i just take things the way that i see them instead of how they are actually being portrayed...
but i guess everyone probably does that.
anyways sam and her b/f and John were supposed to go with me, but then sam and her b/f decided not to so then it was only me and john.
and it's always super awkward how i always seem to end up in these situations with john when it's like we are on a date or something.. happens so much.
but it wasn't bad. i mean i picked him up then we were going and he like got in the car and started talking then he was like oh good morning and i was like hah good morning. so we went to church and apparently John goes to that one pretty frequently so he was like telling me a lot of things about it, which was funny. but it was cool.
even one of his bio teachers were a deacon. so she came over and he was like yeah this is my friend sam she's a lute too! and i was just like oh goodness and i was like shaking my head and she was like oh is he embarrassing you, and i was like hah no but john was all OH YEAH Everyday! i was like oh jeez. HAH. He's so crazy hah
i really liked the church. i would totally consider going there more often. i would even consider doing my internship there. the only thing that was weird was that the kneel to receive holy communion and in the beginning to silently confess their sins.
i dont' know that was just strange and i was completely not used to that.
anyway. it was a good service. afterwards we walked through the cemetery (now that's a hot date.. ahha kidding this wasn't a date)
but it was crazy there were like gravestones from the war in 1776! isn't that crazy! it was so cool! so then we left and John just got a new car this weekend so he was like want to see my car! so we like were sitting in his car (i know that's strange) and then he was like do you want to go for a drive! i was like um sure haha. so we just went for this random sunday afternoon drive!! haha. it was kind of cool we almost got lost. but somehow he figure out where we were. i have no idea how hah but whatevs. it was cool we like were in the country which i absolutely LOVE. it was so cool and we saw some alpacas which john like freaked out about he was like screaming like a little boy. i was like goodness gracious. haha. i mean it was cool but not really screaming worthy haha. but its' whatever i'm used to him doing that. hah so we finally made it back to school. it was cool. his car is super nice. and i was happy that we got to hang out since it feels like we never see him anymore. so yeah.
then i came back to the apartment did some laundry. i have to go to this peer mentor dinner at 5:30. i really dont' feel like going. i just don't like peer mentor things i always feel so awkward. but oh well it's the only one i'll ever attend so i guess i'll just go.
anyways i should pry do some work... now that i've procrastinated all afternoon. read about bonnie and clyde. they are pretty cool. i don't know i just really like outlaw things right now i guess. haha.
oh also if the rumors are true about joe and ashley thinking about marriage, i think i might barf. i mean it hasn't even been six months. disturbing.
she's totally using him, but oh well he has to live his life however he wants.
yup. okay bye.!

Thelma and Louise!

pretty sure i'm getting sick. i have been freezing pretty much all day.
quite depressing. only one week of classes then finals. and i would get sick. boo.
anyways watched Up In The Air last night. it was kind of depressing. i felt bad for Ryan (the main character).
but then afterwards watched Thelma and Louise and that movie is freaking awesomeeee
well the one with Geena Davis and Susan Sarandon.
yeah they are awesome.
it was like woman empowerment right there.
greatly enjoyed it.
also since i watched it with Sam we were deciding who we would be and we decided she would be thelma and i would be louise. haha. crazy times.
went to the mall today. and TJ Maxx saw some things that i wanted from Tj Maxx but i'm a bit broke. quite sad. also saw a possible dress for junior/senior. if i choose to go, it was only thirty dollars which wasn't bad and it was black and white. i mean i only currently have thirty dollars. i feel like i should have gotten it, but i needed money for gas for when i go home so yeah.
whatevs.
anyways it's cold
and i'm tired but pry going to watch more movies tonight.
including how to train your dragon! and thelma and louise again haha.

getting work done. oh yeah.

so i'm surprisingly actually getting stuff done. yeahhhh
as in i actually finished what i needed to finish earlier today rather than late in the night tonight.
haha.
lets see i have three papers that are/were due this week and one due next week.
so finished the one that was due today at like 4:30 yesterday. (granted this one was also almost done i was just reviewing the final of the rough draft that i had already been working on.)
finished the one that's due tomorrow at around 5 today. it had to be 4-5 pages, i had no pages done and i started at like 1 pm...
haha. i also kept going on facebook and such because i was procrastinating badly. but thankfully my classes were cancelled today sooo i got to get work done!
woo!
i also figured out my finals schedule. and i am done the 16. so i'm def going home that day. then i think i'm going to call my grandma up this week and see if going christmas shopping with her on the 17 would be okay. :)
and maybe she will teach me how to knit that day too!
woo.
anyways i have another paper due friday i think that's only two pages though so that shouldn't be bad.
then my last paper is due next week and thats my king david paper that i just need to go over her comments and make it better. woo.
so yeah. i'm feeling better now that half of my papers are done.
anyways need to read for class. would love to sleep earlier tonight.
so good night!

i whip my hair back and forth...

so i'm back at school.
boo.
but only three weeks left...then i'm home for break!
woo
i'm still panicking about having enough money for rent for next year.
and my mother calls me during yoga and starts telling me i have to pay her for my phone next year and how much it's going to cost and how i really need to do that so she can get a house.
i was like great thanks mom. like i'm not stressed enough about money as it is.
and with finals coming up.
she's so considerate.
whatevs.
can't deal yo.
anyways i am almost done revising my one paper need to do an introduction paragraph and look at the suggestions john made about it and add my greek translation then i'm done!
woo.
but i have to write a five page paper by thursday about communion
and a two page one my friday about the book of daniel
excitement.
so much to do. goodness.
still can't believe there is only two weeks of classes then finals.
INSANITY!
ahh.
anyways i'm going to write a letter back to someone, then do some homework then sleep! woo.
hah.
thus is life.

also i have had the song ur so gay by katy perry stuck in my head all day... the music video is hilarious.
i mean if you don't take it the wrong way, .i think it's funny.

Speak Now

SO i was thinking about Christa Black's tumblr response to someone earlier this week, the one about boys and heartache. I dont' know why but this quote really stuck out to me
“I gave my heart to someone—the thing that my life flowed out of—my emotions, my days, my speech…everything. I handed that heart to someone who had never fought to pursue it, or even shown interest to earn it.
Your soul is your mind, your will, and your emotions, and I’d handed him my soul without him doing anything. It did nothing to affect him…but it was ruining every day of my life.”

i don't know why but it just really stuck in my head.
actually i do know why.
i mean i feel like i do this all the time.
i start to like a guy and i just give him my all without him even knowing. i know it's real bad to do that, but sometimes i guess you just can't help it.
but i've decided i need to be stronger. i need to not give my heart and soul to a guy, especially if he doesn't even care.
I don't know if this sounds weird.
but i mean i keep mentioning how i might possibly have a crush on my best guy friend.
and you know, being home for thanksgiving i realized that i actually do like him.
and i'm pretty sure it's more than a friend.
i don't know dumb things remind me of him, and i want to be like haha oh this reminds me of john, and say that to someone but then i'm like wow. everyone is going to shoot me if i start being like that.
i mean they won't actually shoot me, but they would be disturbed.
and lets be serious my brother and my dad want me to date him anyway.
sam and nina would probably completely back me if i was like so i like him.
my problem is i dont know if he feels that way.
and i can't put myself out there like that, especially if it would ruin our friendship.
i'd rather be his friend than nothing at all.
he's been a rather amazing friend to me since i've known him and i don't want to lose that.
which brings me back to handing someone my heart and soul without them knowing it or earning it.
i mean he definitely should not know. i mean i never said anything to him.
when weirdo kate thought we were having a secret love affair i told him, and i asked him if he thought it was weird she thought that and he said yes.
which i dont know kind of hurt. because i couldn't tell if he meant it would be weird for us to actually of had one, or for her to randomly decide someone is having one.
idk. obviously i overthink things.
such a downfall.
but anyways. i've decided he never asked for my heart and soul, so i'm taking it back.
or i'm reeling it in.
i dont' want to give him something he never asked for, and i'm tired of always feeling hurt when things seem to change.
i mean i always like a guy too much and then i always feel hurt when they date someone else.
so i'm ending it. i'm going to be a strong person and not let my heart and soul just do whatever it wants. i'm taking control and i'm not going to let them just go to anyone. i'm going to wait until someone deserves it and asks for it.
yup.

this also made me think about T.Swift's whole thing about "speaking now" because you never know what will happen.
and i really dont think i can do it.
i don't know, i just don't think i was built for the speak now kind of thing.
maybe someday i'll try my hand at it.
...


anyways hope you all had a wonderful week and thanksgiving and black friday!
my week got much better when i arrived home. i really missed being home.
thanksgiving was strange. idk, it really just was. and my grandmother offered to set me up with a nice quiet boy, the grandson of one of her friends. i just laughed.
i'm kind of thinking whatever is meant will happen.just my philosophy.
didn't go black friday shopping. i wanted to. but i'm absolutely broke. seriously have like four dollars in my checking account and enough in savings for rent and the electric bill for next month :/
kind of freaking out about that. but it's going to all work out...
also had my wisdom teeth consultation today.
getting all four out on december 28th.
not excited at all. in fact i'll probably be super nervous that day.
i know it's like minor surgery, but i'm getting anesthesia. first time for that. and they said it's intravenous.
which um makes me want to cry a bit. absolutely hate needles. but oh well. this way my teeth and gums won't rot like they so lovingly told me. :l
blah.
i've been watching way too much tv this whole time ive been home. like seriously i watched Mary Poppins, Elf, Pretty Woman and the news (well the news was at my aunts house i have no idea why my cousins were watching that) yesterday. today i watched the last hour of Enchanted, The end of back to the future 2, and the entire back to the future 3. Toy Story 3 (well on dvd) and i watched part of a boy named charlie brown.
pretty much am doing nothing in front of the tv.. terrible.
although i did have like 6 loads of laundry to do the past two days. i have no idea how that happened but i got it all done.

oh and depressing news. my school does a junior/senior formal dance.
well they posted the date.
February 26.
this is depressing because last year it def happened in like april.
this gives me so much less time to get a date. so unprepared for this. and i have to buy a dress too. life. goodness.

whatevs. so i'm going to read HP4. so good night!

life is funny.

aww garbo blogged :)
so cute.

um anyways.
lets talk about how hilarious my life is.
like legit.
HILARIOUS.

Okay so this week was pretty normal.
monday went to dinner, then yoga. (love yoga i always feel SO GOOD afterwards)
tuesday, we had nina and john over for dinner. then i went to this extra credit speaker about the amish. it was pretty interesting. he wrote a book about them too. It's by Donald Kraybill. he actually teaches at my school. haha
Wednesday, normal day of classes, we had "Thanksgiving Dinner" at school.
I somehow ended up sitting next to John and Kristin, which was relieving.
of course Kate was basically sending me death glares. and i was like whatever. it's not like i asked him to sit next to me. seriously.
afterwards you get like a free photo if your group dresses up, so we got one, although by that time John and Courtney already left for jazz band. so it's going to be weird.
afterwards went to the library to print some things out, then went to hang out in a music practice room with nina and sam.
then kate showed up and like yelled at us to get out of there. it was really rude, and weird.
i mean she had to teach a lesson in there but she really said it in a mean way.
but whatever.
then nina, sam and i went to the christmas tree lighting which was beautiful :)
we sang christmas carols and heard The Night Before Christmas. and had weird hot chocolate that tasted like coffee... i didn't drink it all because i really don't like coffee.
then finally went back to the apartment to do work.
except i never got any done because Kate texted me suddenly saying "we need to talk"
which lead into a two hour falling out via text.
freaking long and annoying.
i think i might just post the texts on here, because they are worthy of being remembered.
so yeah she texted me around ten being all we need to talk
and i didn't respond because i was like seriously why are you saying that through texts?
and plus it was ten and i was trying to do work
then 18 minutes later she sends me this
"I feel like you have not been treating me in an appropriate manner lately. you do not have the right to treat me this way. I feel like we have been friends for long enough that you owe it to me to at least say something to me about it."

i was like seriously. she wants to do it through texts. so i was like do you really want to do this through texts
and she was like
"I've tried everything else. I have no more options left."

which i feel is a lie. she talked to me ONCE about her drinking. and this whole thing was so much bigger than that. i just couldn't believe that she honestly thought she had no more options left.

i didn't respond right away after she said that because i was thinking of what to say and responding (my response was seven "pages" of texts).
so she was like "if you don't want to talk to me now when do you want to talk?"

right after she said that i sent her my seven page response.
basically i told her that she never listens, how i feel that she is a bully, how i dont think it's nice that she makes personal jokes about people's lives like extremely personal things. and how i don't think our friendship is doing anything helpful for either of us. and that i think she changed and not for the better. i also told her that she doesn't make good first impressions and that i alot of people have said that. which my brother did and i've heard it from other people too. i've never asked straight out though.
her response
"I dont' understand what you're talking about sam. I haven't made jokes out of personal things that i can ever remember. I haven't done anything remotely close to bully you. if anything you are a bully to me. how do you think i felt when you told me i couldn't sit next to you at church two weeks ago. and maybe if you would actually treat me like a friend you would realize that i'm not the same person i was last fall when you decided to start being so rude to me. it is not your place to judge me and ask what people think of me when you don't make a good first impression either."

so at this point i had to be like kate you always used to make fun of my back, (she also made fun of other things that are personal which were rude) i told her i was joking at church and that i was going to let her sit there but then she threw my papers on the ground and that was just intense. then i told her i didn't think she changed for the better. and i told her i never judge people and i wouldn't ask people questions like that. that people tell me things like that.


so i have no idea if i really have ever bullied her. i dont' think i have. i mean i probably haven't been the nicest person ever to her. i mean i know i could have been nicer. but why fake it.
and i have heard about so many people who do not like her. and it's ridiculous. i mean my brother said she was fake after knowing her for like three hours. that's just bad. and i don't know what she is saying that i don't make a good first impression. she honestly can't say that because i was extremely accepting to her when she first showed up, and she's NEVER invited anyone up here to visit for her to say that. and i'm always nice to all the people she invites into the group. i mean i'm shy but i am still nice to them.

so in response to me she said
"it definitely felt like you meant i couldnt' sit there.i do not remember making fun of your back. but if you can jokingly tell me not to sit by you can you be mad for me making fun of you? i'm sorry if you think i have changed for the worse. but it's because i just can't take your cruelty anymore. i'm honestly tell you it needs to stop. i'm tired of you not saying hi or bye to me. and just ignoring my presence that makes me feel so bad about myself."

i was like well there is a complete difference in joking about things and making fun of someones medical problems. and i was like id id't realize i had to say hi to you personally. ( i usually just say hi to everyone at the same time. so much easier) and i told her she creates way to much drama

"there wouldn't be any drama if you would treat me like a human being. i think it's a lot different too. no one has a problem with your back, and i'm sorry you're sensitive about it, but you should have said something. it was so humiliating and embarrassing when you publicly made fun of me at church in front of my boss and co workers. don't you think about that"

so i'm just wondering what she thinks i treat her like...an alien? i don't know. anyways i did say something when she initially made fun of my back, and she still did it. and i never publicly made fun of her in front of the entire church and her boss. unless she's saying that when i told her she couldn't sit there. i mean that's just being ridiculous because people do those kinds of jokes all the time. and if anything she made the scene by throwing my papers on the ground. i don't know. i mean i know in the beginning of the semester i jokingly said that i wasn't happy about being back at school because of kate at church. but then i laughed and was like i'm just kidding.
of course she made a HUGE deal about that and wouldn't let me forget i said that, even though i was like i was KIDDING.

anyways i responded with well i think everyone is sensitive about medical problems. and i told her that i just don't think our friendship is really worth it. probably some other things but i dont really remember, my phone erases messages i send once i start texting other people.. haha

her
"well you know what sam, everyone has medical problems, i have ptsd, and when you say mean things to me whether or not you mean it as a joke it deeply affects me, and thanks to you i have been in a pretty deep depression. i'm having nightmares and i can't focus. i'm sorry my friendship is ruining your life."

i was like i'm sorry kate i didn't know you had that. and i never said our friendship was ruining my life i just said you are holding me back. i need to focus on my future.

on a sidenote. no one knew she had/has ptsd. in fact she never mentioned it. so how was anyone supposed to know. and ptsd is post traumatic stress disorder. SO you only get that after i serious event... like war, a terrible car accident, hurricanes or tornadoes, well weather like that that destroys everything, and like child molestation or rape.
one source i looked at said maybe child bullying if it was really bad. but i feel like all children get bullied in some way. so i don't think that can be a real reason for ptsd. but i don't really know.
also i dont' think it's fair that she's blaming her entire deep depression on me. i mean she's been making me feel depressed too, but she's not the only cause. school has been stressful and i just need a break. and honestly i'm not the only one who had been avoiding her. but i think because i'm the only one she feels is a threat for dating john she's going against me. i mean sam has a b/f and so does kristin. nina doesn't but kate pry thinks john wouldnt date her and courtney also has a b/f so it's legit only me. last year when sam and i were single she really didn't like us when she liked john. although she was really mad at sam because she felt she flirted with him all the time. and now i guess she thinks i do... i'm really not. i'm just treating him like a good friend. ridiculous.

she said
" You said i was holding you back and i don't understand how i'm doing that. the only reason this friendship is having a negative effect on us is because you are unwilling to forgive me and treat me like you would a friend."

i said that i forgive everyone.

she said
"do you realize that doesn't make any sense? if you forgive me then why are you treating me this way?"

i said. i forgive you kate, but that doesn't mean i forget. i just don't think this friendship will go anywhere and it' not doign any good for either of us.

so her last response was
"well the bottom line is that we have the same friends, so we're going to see each other. i try to treat you kindly and all i ask is that you do the same for me."

i was just that sounds reasonable


and then we were done.
and i was like wow. i think that legit means our friendship is over.
kind of weird.
but you know i actually felt better afterwards, i mean i felt bad because that was a rough way to end a friendship if you could call it a friendship.
but i really felt like a weight had lifted off of me.
then luckily thursday i was going up to Penn State with sam to see ali for her birthday. :)
so thursday i had class. was a bit worried about seeing kate, but it didn't happen
after class left for penn state.
it was sort of raining which was annoying. but we rocked out the whole way there.
we got there and hung out with ali. had dinner. then kim showed up. then ali's sister and sister-in-law got there so we went to their hotel room. had some smirnoff.
then headed out. it was like 10 by that point. but it was cool. we went to this bar called the saloon lounge. but sam couldn't get in because she's only 20 . so that was awkward. but i sat with sam in mcdonalds then ali and her sisters and kim came and found us then we went to this other bar where there was an outside patio so sam could still talk to us.
so i had had a jagerbomb with ali and her sisters. (kim left at midnight since she had an 8 am)
then we went outside and hung out with sam. it was crazy.
and well i had a smirnoff at their hotel room then the jagerbomb. and some of ali's sister's jack and coke.
so i started to feel it a bit.
plus i was tired. so it was kind of hilarious.
Ali's sisters had some guy go up to her and hug her and then kiss her on the cheek and ask her if she wanted birthday sex.
it was crazyyyyy.
but ali said no she wasn't ready for that. she was also drunk at that point. so it was significantly more interesting.
but somehow ali's sister got that guys shirt for her.
so ali now has his shirt as a souveneir.
haha. it smelled really good. ahha
anyways after that bar we went back to her sister's hotel room had some more smirnoff. she also had beer. but i do not enjoy beer at all. so that was rough. but we stayed up until like four.
ali kept saying the most hilarious things ever.
her sister was playing music from her phone and ali saw that she had airplanes. and she was like "this song is crazy but hayley williams awesome. but seriously why write a song about airplanes. airplanes are just shooting stars that crash into buildings and kill people'"
that was pretty great. then we had like a dance party for a bit but finally it got the point where we like laid on the bed
then ali sam and i slept on a bed together. and you know how the bed goes vertical well we slept horizontal on it. so all of our legs were like hanging off the side. i was also in the middle and sam and ali pretty much snuggled up to me in the night. ahha. it was strange. but i was really warm.
haha.
so we got up on friday at like 10:30
went back to ali's dorm helped her pack her stuff up. said goodbye to her and her sisters as they left for home. then sam and i walked around downtown for a few hours.
then we headed back to etown.
got back to etown at like 5. showered. tried to nap. i couldn't fall asleep so i ate dinner. sam fell asleep for like four hours.
so in the meantime i was texting nina who said kate was bad mouthing me at dinner.
apparently she said
"sam basically told me that she's never been friends with me and she shuts herself down when she's around me. she doesn't say hi to me or anything and i'm like you know what just go away. she said i'm holding her back from her future."

so lets play three lies and a truth.
truth. i did say that i shut down around her. and that she holding me back.
but i NEVER said that we were never friends. i do say hi to EVERYONE including her. and she in fact never said just go away.

so that was fun.
and it's interesting that she is now spreading rumors. trying to get people to hate me. but it's okay the people she was talking to i probably wouldn't really be friends with anyways because i never see them. and so kate can hang out with them all she wants. i don't mind.
i'll just be angry if she tries to get john against me.
he's one of my best friends. so that's NOT happening.
and nina and sam are basically already on my side. i have no idea about kristin. in fact i haven't seen or talked to kristin since wednesday night. so you know that's cool.
i feel she'll pry side with kate.
but i guess that's okay. i really am not interested in having showdowns or something so whatever
and i fear kate will try to start something every time she seems me but i'm not going to do that.

anyways after nina left dinner i went and hung out with her at this game night thing for awhile then she had to go to work so i came back to the apartment and started watching hp1. sam finally woke up and watched it with me. it was like midnight by that point and i was kind of tired but at the same time not so we started watching pirates of the caribbean. and then i fell asleep on teh recliner.
so that was awesome. haha
woke up at 3:20 brushed my teeth and went to sleep.
that was great.
yesterday. mostly hung out
then went to see HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS PART ONE.
and i cried within the first ten minutes. and i almost cried in the middle and then i cried at the end.
i was pretty much a mess.
didn't really think i would cry that much but i did.
it was crazy.
sam was laughing at me. but i mean harry potter had been part of about half of my life. i can't help it.
after that had dinner with nina and her sister who came up to visit.
kate was actually in the marketplace so that was slightly terrifying but we avoided her.
then went to see eat pray love for free in the auditorium. which was a good movie.
sam left to visit her boyfriend for the night so i hung otu with nina and her sister. and john and katie and some other girl.
we went to folklore which is like a coffee shop. then hung out in katie's room until like 2 in the morning.
it was fun.
:)
this weekend is probably the most fun i have had in awhile. so that was awesome.
so now i'm trying to finish my portfolio to hand in before thanksgiving so i don't need to worry about it anymore i also need to practice guitar.
i'm also waiting for john to be like we need to talk about kate.
but so far that hasn't happened.
so that's good.
i mean i want to tell him my side but i feel like it's going to be awkward.
blah.
anyways need to get work done now!
have a marvelous day :)

need to get out of this funk.

I feel annoyed at everything today.
i don't know what's wrong with me but i'm just like blah. and almost anything that anyone does is bothering me alot. maybe i should just go to sleep. then wake up in a better mood.
idk.
whatever.
last week i barely saw kate is was amazing.
i didn't see her monday for dinner, or tuesday.
saw her wednesday for like five minutes.
didn't see her thursday
and friday saw her for like thirty minutes.
and didn't see her at all yesterday or today.
i'm not going to lie it was awesome.
although she still managed to annoy me.
Friday John randomly asked to come over and i was like umm sure.
he was acting really weird and i was like what the heck is wrong with him.
and sam, john and i were watching youtube videos and he was like sam i have to talk to you. like mouthing it to me and i was like what the heck.
so we like went into the kitchen and i was like this is so weird and he was like don't worry this isn't about me and i was like um okay.
then he like sat down and i just stood there and he was like so sunday night kate asked me to come over.
and i was like oh brother.
i don't even want to hear this anymore.
but he continued on and he was like i wasn't there or anything but kate said you were really mean to her at church and you didn't want her to sit next to you or something and she cried to me, she was like bawling for an hour and a half.
i just looked at john and i was like listen. i jokingly told her she couldn't sit there and she threw my papers on the ground.
i was like that annoyed me.
and then i told john that i'm planning on telling her we shouldn't hang out anymore.
and he was like oh what really.
he was like super shocked but i was like yes. she just depresses me and always complains about how mean i am to her so why should we hang out if she doesn't like anything i do. and he was like oh well i guess that makes sense.
and i was like yeah.
then i just kind of stood there.
idk i felt like crying friday, i was just kind of feeling depressed (my grandmother was in the hospital getting a pacemaker and i haven't seen her in four years... i suck as a grandchild) then he tells me that. and i was just like uh
so john was like are you okay.
and i was like no.
and he was like oh no i'm sorry and i was like no listen i'm just not having a good week then i told him about my grandmother and that i don't need kate bringing me down more.
then john told me this like sort of depressing story which made me want to cry more and he was like telling me he has emotions and i was like um i know you have emotions john. idk it was weird.
but then we all went to dinner and he was acting kind of weird, he kept trying to make me laugh and i really wasn't like at all. which made him not be sure what to do. but i was just like i dont feel like laughing.
after dinner i had an awesome jam session with nina though. she played piano and i played guitar and we tried to teach sam guitar. it was fun
so it made up for my depressing day.
then yesterday sam's parents came up and dropped off a microwave table and a recliner.
then we went to target, the christmas store and friendly's which was awesome. they are all in this little shopping center together like thirty minutes away
at the christmas store i bought a shot glass with a pirate on it. haha
it's my first shot glass and i have only ever had two shots before. and i don't really like them. but it had a pirate on it. sooo i really wanted it. ahha
but i really enjoyed going to target, i miss that store so much.
so nina came over at like ten
and sam's bf was here.
we tried to have john over but he was doing work again. super lame.
i dont know he's been acting really weird lately. and we haven't legit hung out with him in like two weeks. whatever though maybe when he's done everything for grad school he'll lighten up and hang out again.
apparently he's trying to set up a five year plan.
i wanted to be like listen. you can do that but it won't happen like that, at least most likely. i mean God does whatever he wants.
and i'm pretty sure John isn't including like getting married in his five year plan. or at least having a girlfriend. so like what is her going to do when that happens.
maybe i should say if? but i'm seriously thinking when. he's a good guy.
i don't know.
i still think i might possibly have a crush on him. but then when i think about having a relationship with him i think it would be weird. i mean i would have to drive us on dates since he only has a bike here. and he's always doing work.
i don't know
whatever. it's up to God.
and it doesn't matter i'm sort of annoyed at him right now anyway. cause i'm feeling annoyed with everything!!!
BLAH.
i need to do homework and go to bed.
schedule my classes tomorrow. that should be exciting...
sigh.
going to do homework. need to get out of this funk.

the one the wind and waves obey is strong enough to save you.

Alright so i finished my essay with over 4000 words... the limit was 4,500. i would have surprised myself to have reached that. but i was surprised i even hit 4,000. like what the heck!
anyways. so this weekend. lets see.
kate annoyed me all last week. idk i tried to be civil and just let it roll off my shoulders but it doesn't work like that. at least not with her.
so anyways. my brother came to visit and he showed up friday at like 4:30. so that was exciting (even though he skipped his last two classes of the day...so bad) but it was cool we went to dinner at like 5:45 or something and i introduced Kate to my brother and she was all "oh i know you two look a like" then she touched my face. i was like um don't touch my face kate. and she was like i'm sorry sam. then she went to the other sam and was like sam doesn't care if i touch her face lets do a cheek kiss sam!
and sam was like um what.
anyways i don't like when people touch my face. i have sensitive skin, enough so that just because she touched my face i could break out from it. and i don't know if she washed her hands or whatever before touching my face.
ugh.
and she didn't know he was my brother and i was introducing him with his name. so i dont understand why she was like i know.
but whatever.
she was annoying during dinner but i just talked to my brother and nina most of the time.
afterwards we went to kate and kristin's room and it was pretty boring. we got invited to this tupperware party in the lounge of their dorm so went to it and part way through a fire alarm went off so we had to leave.
but it was whatever since i had just won a tupperware thing. although all the options were like super small things and i ended up with this hanger thing which you can hang recipes on or the lady said she uses them for her wet bathing suits at the beach. so i was like cool.
anyways after wards when everyone was leaving i saw one of my peer kids so i was talking to her for awhile meanwhile kate, kristin and sam had gone back to kate and kristin's room and i was like whatever.
so when my brother and i got back there i was like interesting...kristin was drinking. but you know that's whatevs and kate pulled something out of the fridge and was like oh this should be ready now pretending that it was only like crystal light mix with water. but come on now. how dumb does she think i am like seriously.
she also had a yoohoo. and our friend steve last year used to put ice 101 in yoohoo's and he said they tasted like thin mints. so for kate to be drinking yoohoo was obviously her putting vodka in it.
she always does this thing now of being like "dont tell sam" (referring to me) and i'm like really. do you think i'm that dumb that i don't realize you are drinking right now. plus she starts getting all flushed and stuttering.
she must think i'm an idiot.
but whatever. so we watched two episodes of it's always sunny in philadelphia. then i was like this is so boring.
and kate was being dumb.
so finally we were like lets leave.
plus sam's friends meghan and gretel were coming up so we actually had a reason to leave.
so we came back to the appointment and we asked my brother what he thought of kate and he was like she just seems really fake. and i was like HA oh my gosh. she is. she's like the fakest person ever.
my brother saw that probably within an hour of knowing her.
like that's sad.
whatever.
so it was only like 9 at that point so we hung out for awhile sam's friends showed up at like 11 we went to john's quad he wasn't there yet. he was "taking care of somebody" which obviously means someone was drunk. he's too kind to just leave them there. so while in John's quad we were hanging out then Kristin, Joe and Steve showed up and we were all like STEVE! since he graduated last year. he's so great.
Joe is on my good side right now for saying kate is a hypocrite because she used to get mad at joe for drinking and he was like i haven't had a drink in awhile and kate gets drunk every weekend now. what a hypocrite
i was like haha oh joe you don't need to tell me, i completely agree.
so now i think i'm being a bit over nice to Joe but what can i say i'm so stoked he called her a hypocrite. ahha
so at like 11:45 we headed to Rocky horror. a lot of the seats were filled so we ended up in the front. i was like oh man please don't let this be a show where they touch you or something. that freaks me out. i somehow ended up in the front row but luckily sam's friends were like we'll switch with you we don't mind the front row and i was like THANK YOU!
so i ended up in the third row. my brother sat next to me on the right and john on the left. sam, gretel and steve were in front of me and in the front row was kristin, joe, and meghan.
nina showed up after work and kate randomly appeared out of nowhere and like followed nina. we had only saved a seat for nina since no one knew kate was coming since she complained that it sounded dumb anyways. but whatever
so nina got the seat and kate was like nina you took my seat but sam told nina we had saved it for her. so that was good.
the show was crazy and interactive, but it was fun. random dancing and shouting. :)
i liked it.
afterwards we were hanging out and it was kind of funny since it was steve, john, kate and my brother on the left. sam, kristin, joe, meghan and gretel on the right and me and nina kind of in the middle. but whatever.
then kate started asking my brother these dumb questions and he just stared at her and she hates that so she started poking his nose ring and i kind of flipped because i hate when people touch my face without my allowing them too. so for her to just do that and his nose ring. that could make it get infected or something. so i was like kate stop that. don't touch people's piercings that's so rude . and John just chimed in and was like YEAH! how would you like if someone touched your leg piercing and kate was like haha i dont' have a leg piercing. and john was like DO you want one...
it was so great and i was like ahha oh john always knowing when i need comedic relief. he's so good.
my brother then texted me and was like hey it's okay i can take of myself and i was like yeah i know i'm sorry and he was like i was about to make her cry!
and i was like haah that would have been great. she just stresses me out.
it was good though because then i was like telling him when we finally left to go to john's quad which i have no idea why we were all doing that at 2 in the morning i was kind of exhausted but whatevs. so i just told her she creates too much drama and i dont' need that and he was like you dont think yelling at her just created drama. and i was like sigh you are probably right. and he just laughed and was like it's okay don't worry about it.
so we made it back to john's quad and everything was okay until kristin went to her car and came back with alcohol and i was like oh man i can't be here anymore like seriously kate is already trashed and kristin was too. too much. my brother saw it and was like hey it's okay then sam was like lets go. and i was like thank goodness so we left. my brother an di talked until 4:30 in the morning which was nice :)
i enjoyed it.
the next day we slept until like noon. i made pancakes then at one i met nina and had some hot chocolate with her. came back at 2 my brother decided to stay another night. so kind of just hung out all day. went grocery shopping had dinner in our apartment. my brother called John to have him come over (he seemed to enjoy that, he called him twice the night before too) but JOhn was all i'm doing work. which he probably was. so it ended up we all did work. my brother watched the breakfast club at like ten so i watched taht with him then worked on my research paper. my brother went to sleep after the movie
i stayed up to see the time switch for daylight savings then i fell asleep. woke up sunday at like 11:30 my brother got ready to leave. i did some more work had breakfast. my brother left at 1. it was kind of sad i'm glad he came though :)
sam and i met up with nina...kate and kristin (and kristin's two friends) were there too for cabaret. it was weird and hilarious. but it was cool.
afterwards nina sam and i went to the jays and hung out then went to church.
nina was sitting in a row so me and sam sat with her and kate was all guys wah wah wah and we were like what, it's not like she was sitting alone she was sitting with some girl named stephanie. but then she was like fine i'll just move and i was like no you can't sit next to me (half serious half joking) and she was like whatever and she like half crumpled my bulletin and threw it on the ground. i was like wow.
you jerk i would have eventually let her sit there. but i was like i can't handle this. i went to the bathroom to like calm myself donw. came back to church and didn't talk to her the entire service. or at dinner.
i just can't deal anymore.
i had my guitar lesson today and she KNOWS when i have it and she was sitting in the chair right in front of my guitar stuff. ON PURPOSE. she didn't turn around or say hi or anything. and iw as like fine i'm not going to say hi either i made faces at nina which was fun then nina was like BYE SAM! and made a heart sign at me and i waved. nina is so great.
meanwhile nina said kate was all sad.
but you know whatever.
apparently she told nina that she's never going to drink again.
i find this hilarious.
i also don't believe her but whatever.
didn't go to dinner tonight mostly to avoid her. so nina came over and we had dinner in the apartment :)
sam was working on a presentation for class with her partner on campus. so it was nice.
then i went to yoga it was wonderful and relaxing.
i love yoga.
and now i should do homework.
i've basically decided i dont' need kate to bring me down anymore.
i'm thinking of telling her nothing good comes out of our friendship so we shouldn't hang out anymore. she'll pry cry. but i don't really care. because it's true. she just stresses me out and produces drama. nothing i need. so yeah.
that's basically it. homework time. now that it's 11:25. oh jeez.
just scheduled senior portraits for wednesday! that's scary.
but i figure if i don't get them done my mom would be angry. so whatevs.
so yeah okay bye!

>:/

so my brother came up to visit this weekend. :)
it was awesome. saw rocky horror picture show on friday night.
hilarious. sat between my brother and John and they were like tag teaming off of each other.
so great.
Kate showed up drunk.
i ignored her while we were there. i mean i was too busy laughing at John's random shouting (since you do that at those random showing things they do) and my brother doing the same thing.
also at the random dancing we did, that was crazy. haha.
some other stuff happened (eventually i'll go into more detail) and i yelled at kate. almost punched her in the face...
she was drunk enough that she didn't remember it because she tried to sit next to me at church today. and i was like what the freak are you serious. i sort of jokingly (mostly serious though) told her she couldn't sit there. i would have eventually let her sit there but before i could move my papers she threw them on the ground.
i was like wow.
so i "went to the bathroom" to take some time to relax and not flip out on her.
i just don't get her.
she apparently was drunk thursday night too.
so wonderful.
she drinks more than i do.
sigh.
i'm honestly contemplating talking to her and being like listen our friendship does nothing productive for me or you. you act super fake around me and i don't tell you anything about my life because it's not worth it you'll just make fun of me for it.
so lets just be civil but i don't think it's worthwhile for either of us to hang out anymore.

i feel like if i do that though she'll try to manipulate everyone to be on her side...
although honestly i know sam adn nina would side with me. john would secretly side with me but still hang out with kate and kristin would flip out on me.
but whatever.
i can't take it anymore. it's my senior year of college, why should i have to deal with all of this stuff on top of my stressful academics.
it's really not necessary.
and i wouldn't stop going to everything just because she would be there i mean i enjoy all the things we go to. so she couldn't stop me.
whatevs. i'm thinking it might be time to set into motion "operation exile kate"
although exile sounds kind of terrible. it's more like just take her out of my life.

anyways i'll write more about this weekend tomorrow probably. after i finish this essay that i'm 700 words away from being done with. it's also 12:09 and i'm tired but i need to finish it by 11 tomorrow (well today) night. but i don't want to do it later.
sigh.

oh and just for a laugh. my brother thinks i should date john.
okay well back to the essay.

love the lord your God...

so lets talk about how i worked on that paper all weekend and MY TEACHER MOVES BACK THE DUE DATE TO NOVEMBER 22. that's like three weeks from now.
i was like HAHAH. great.
just great.
but you know it's cool because i'm basically done with that paper, and that means when that time comes i'll just read it and see what i think about it and rework somethings.
maybe i'll still finish it up like now. so i dont need to worry about it then.
whatever. it just seems like i'm an overachiever now. so ridiculous. haha
but i decided to start my other research paper today. it's due next monday. but i won't have that much time this weekend. i'm writing it on 1 John 4:7-21. so yeah
I'm going to borrow my friends Bible's if they have different versions to compare them. it should be good. hopefully.
also found a site online that has different versions like right next to each other it's pretty cool.
if you want to check it out gooooo
HERE
at least that's what i'm comparing so you can look at it :)
so yeah. i pry should get my stuff together to go to dinner and then yoga afterwards even though i still have like twenty some minutes. maybe i'll practice guitar for a bit. i'm learning a new song that has new chords i've never played before! and i have to slide my fingers on the strings. well i dont' have to but it makes it easier for switching chords.
my fingers are going to be peeling... haha
OH AND my brother is coming to visit on friday :)
i'm so excitedddd!
this week...it's going to get better. :)
bye!

i like to dance dance dance.

so lets talk about how my weekend has been lame. good. annoying. weird. and lame.
starting with lame. all friday night and all day saturday i worked on my freaking research paper. it's half way done. i really should be working on that now too because i want to get it done so i can move onto my next one. that would be wonderful.
but whatever instead i'm wonderfully procrastinating again. i mean i'm going to get it done because i need to and i want to make sure i give myself enough time to work on the other one.
sigh.
anyways. so after working on my paper all day sam, kate, john, courtney and i took one of the buses to the Messiah v. Etown soccer game. it was the "marshmellow bowl" so everyone throws marshmellows. it's really intense. and you would think marshmellows wouldnt hurt but they do. i got hit in the head like six times and i was like wow. i do not like you people.
but anyways it was nice because our friend Jenna goes to Messiah (she was the crazy one who was at messiah transferred to etown then transferred back to messiah.) so we saw her and it was nice. i missed her a lot. like her crazy random singing and how she always just puts kate in her place. it was wonderful.
except for kate who showed up like super grumpy or something i dont' know, she just didn't say hi to anyone and apparently was expecting me and sam to be all KATE oh my gosh blah blah blah. and i'm never like that. so idk what she wants but you know whatevs.
anyways the soccer team lost 3-1. it was kind of sad but oh well. i don't really like soccer anyway so it's not like i even knew what was happening. haha.
but anyways afterwards we got back to the school and sam and i hosted our little halloween get together.
it was kind of awkward at first because kate and courtney and nina came over like right away. and sam and i were originally planning on changing then picking everyone up but you roll with the punches. i wore this detective outfit.
and unfortunately we have no pictures because our friends never want to take pictures. it's lame
but anyways. so nina came with me when i picked up john, and john was in a toga. that was kind of hilarious. and weird.
because he wasn't wearing a shirt and he's like SO self-conscious like he wears white t-shirts under v-necks.
so um yeah. that was crazy.
so yeah sam was a hooker at a dead guys funeral. i was a detective. nina was a martini (she dressed in black and had like an olive on a stick it was sweet), Kate was a grandma and courtney was a nurse.
and sam's b/f came up but he didn't dress up. so lame. ahah. it's alright though.
so we turned on some music, and well i didn't think it was too loud. i mean i guess it was loud for our apartment but it shouldn' have been loud enough for like the other apartment around us to hear. but that was a wrong guess on my part because the guy who lives under us came and knocked on our door and told us to turn it down because we kept waking up his kids.
i was like oh...
it was awkward and i felt kind of bad. but i still didn't think it was that loud.
john had brought beer over for himself so he was drinking that, and sam and i had a mike's hard lemonade. well i had one, sam had two and she has like four shots. which i only had one shot too. it was a pomegranate kind which was surprisingly good. i mean it burnt still but it was fine. and this was throughout our time hanging out in our apartment so it's not like it happened after he came to our door. cause that would have been weird. haha. so yeah after he came to our door we turned everything off and we went on campus to the dance. and those dances freak me out they are so weird. like really weird. and i really just don't like how people dance there. like it makes me want to throw up. i mean it was strange because John started dancing with a girl like that and i was like oh my word i'm scarred for life. scarred.for.life.
it was just strange.
also sam and her b/f left because you need an id to get in and sam forgot hers and kate doesn't dance so she didn't come and courtney went back to her room. so it was just me nina and john. and john just did his thing so me and nina just kind of danced not in the center and sort of watched john and were like dang. haha
so crazy.
then the dance was over and i was kind of like wow now i have to walk back to my apartment in the dark.
i was like oh man. and nina was like i don't want you to do that. and iw as like i don't want to do that. so we waited for john. and he knows a lot of people so he was talking to everyone then he came over with this girl from the music dept that nina knows and so we were like talking until three in the morning. ridiculous. finally we all left. nina was walked back to her dorm by the other girls and john walked with me back to his quad then he asked me if i wanted him to walk me back to my apartment and i was like um yes. please. and he was like alright no problem just let me put on clothes. and i was like haha oh gosh. that's weird. but he did then he walked me back and we talked until 4:30 in the morning standing outside in the cold. so weird.
but i'm glad he walked me back and we had a nice conversation even though i felt like i was going to fall over and sleep on the ground. we just talked about random things
and about kate.
apparently she still thinks everyone hates her and a bunch of other things and she told john to talk to me and sam about her and how we are mean to her.
i was like oh my word.
it's really not like that at all. i know sometimes i dont' talk to her during meals but it's not like it's on purpose sometimes i just dont' have anything to say. and she always thinks i'm mad at her. it's ridiculous.
i can't really stand it.
i feel bad for john and nina because they are always in the middle of everything.
sigh.
so yeah kate also apparently told nina that she thinks everyone likes me and sam better than her. freaking crazy.
it's whatever.
so i need to work on my paper. so i'm going to do that now.
fare thee well.

someday i'll be big enough so you can't hit me.

just want taylor's secret messages from within her lyrics on here.
1. Mine - TOBY
2. Sparks Fly - PORTLAND OREGON
3. Back to December - TAY
4. Speak Now - YOU ALWAYS REGRET WHAT YOU DONT SAY
5. Dear John - LOVED YOU FROM THE VERY FIRST DAY
6. Mean - THOUGHT YOU GOT ME
7. The Story of Us - CMT AWARDS
8. Never Grow Up - I MOVED OUT IN JULY
9. Enchanted - ADAM
10. Better Than Revenge - YOU THOUGHT I WOULD FORGET
11. Innocent - LIFE IS FULL OF LITTLE INTERRUPTIONS
12. Haunted - STILL TO THIS DAY
13. Last Kiss - FOREVER AND ALWAYS
14. Long Live - FOR YOU

anyways life has been hectic.
planning a lovely small halloween get together for my friends and i on saturday. well i'm not the only one planning it.
so you know it's aight.
kate is still annoying me. so you know. whatever. apparently my friend kristin who i told last year that my parents were getting divorced and i told her not to tell anyone ended up telling kate and i'm really not happy about that. i mean that's personal information that maybe i didn't want to share with her.
so i'm not happy about that. not one bit.
but whatever.
i need to vacuum my room!
and stuff. haha. so later.

She should know there's nothing that I do better than revenge.

So yesterday was hilarious.
I was at restorative yoga, preparing to be so relaxed
then my friend Kristin tells me that Kate thinks that John and me are having A SECRET LOVE AFFAIR.
uh yes.
i was like UM WHAT HAHAHA
except my laugh was extremely fake because i was like oh my gosh. that's awkward.
then i was like is it obvious that i can't decide if i like him, and what does she mean by secret love affair does it seem like he likes me, or like acts like he does? that's intense.
then i was freaking out the entire restorative yoga class. so i got no relaxation. it's a shame since i needed it.
but yeah. i'm still like really a secret love affair.
me and john.
goodness.
she also is apparently thinking about NEXT SEMESTER and the JUNIOR/SENIOR formal dance at the END OF APRIL.
i was like what the heck why is she thinking about that? i mean seriously that's next year. way far away.
but Sam (my roommate) jokingly told Kate awhile ago that i would be going with John because it makes the most sense, and Kate doesn't like that.
and i'm like dude what does it matter.
i mean seriously that's so far away. and i'll go with whoever i want to go with. heck i'll go alone. oh wait i'm just kidding i refuse to go to another dance alone ever again.
but anyways.
why does it MATTER. that's in APRIL.
goodness.
she's much too worried about that.
but it doesn't matter because she'll drink it away this weekend when she "pre-games" before me and sam's halloween party.
um yes. she plans on getting drunk before our halloween party.
it's a bit ridiculous. since Sam, John and I are going to the soccer game against our rival (Messiah, how funny that our rival is Messiah. it sounds like we are rivaling Jesus. intense) so our "party" isn't going to start until like 9:30 and she plans on "pre-gaming" from 5 until then. that's almost 5 hours. that's ridiculous. she's going to be trashed.
and she plans on coming as a grandma. her grandma voice is the most annoying thing i have ever heard.
don't think i can deal.
and she'll be drunk so she'll be over the top :(
i dont even want to have a halloween party anymore because of her.
I'm so sad i was really excited for halloween, i was going to be a detective.
:/
she ruins everything.
i'm also not having a great day because i had a midterm today for a 100 level class, worth three credits (most classes are four here) and it was the hardest one i have ever taken
sigh.
i have so much to do this week and next.
i have another test tomorrow.
and i need to write two research papers by next friday.
there goes all sleep i was planning on having.
woe is me.

sigh.
i need a break.
like thanksgiving break except that would be bad because then everything would have been due already, including my portfolio for my life meaning class which i haven't really worked on...
i'm so dead.
so much to do so little time.
perhaps i should spend more time doing work rather than blogging about it.
but what's the fun in that?!!!!
gahhh.
well i need to do something else.
it's 5:45 perhaps i'll eat dinner.
goodbye.

let's hear the applause. come on show me how much better you are.

(Holly I love you and i completely would LOVE to cut her out of my life slowly...and truth be told i'm working on it... and she hasn't noticed.)
SO at dinner on Saturday it was Kate, John and me, but John's roommate from last year randomly joined us (he still creeps me out a bit. such a strange boy) and apparently Kate went to his apartment. now to me this was shocking because she claims to think he is weird. but who goes to someone's apartment if you think they are weird?!
uh yeah no one.
She likes the attention he gives her.
sickening.
anyways one of John's friends Caroline showed up and sat with us too. and they were talking about super weird movies that they've seen. i mean they were kind of freaky (like human centipede and teeth) but i mean it was funny the way they were talking about it. i mean i've seen my share of freaky movies ( i watched this weird one on tv once called frogs. we didn't have cable and it was randomly on around halloween haha. and alfred hitchcock's birds is freaking scary) so i was just laughing like you know that sounds funny. i probably wouldnt watch them but i dont care hearing about them. and kate was all EWWW STOP TALKING ABOUT THAT I'M GOING TO THROW UP EWW EWE BLAHBLAHBLAH. i was like oh my word girl shut it. and i just like looked at John and i was like nope i've never heard of those movies tell me about them.
:)
so bad. haha.
of course afterwards kate was all John i want to see professor pumpkin (john and his quadmates got a kitten, it's illegal to have pets except fish. but they are all seniors and being rebels ahha) i haven't seen him in a week (WAH WAHWAH. that's what i was thinking at least haha) and John was like panicking and trying to think of something to not get her to come but he's TOO NICE. so he was like well i mean i really need to study so you can see him but you have to leave then.
Um kate is the last person in the world who would go over there and leave after seeing pumpkin.
and i was like NOOOO. well in my mind. but then i was like dang it. so then i went over just so John didn't have to be alone with her. see i'm nice :) ahha
but i'm also allergic to cats. and well John really likes pumpkin and he kept like picking him up and i just could see the hair and i was like i'm going to die.
i mean it takes me a long time to start feeling it if the cat just is like acting normal but with everyone picking him up (also kate like purposefully stood near me when she picked him up the first few times. i was like you so know i'm allergic jerkface.) i started to feel it within an hour.
yup somehow we ended up there for an hour.
I mean John tried to be like i need to study but Kate was all you dont need to study blahblahblah.
so rude.
but John started showing us parodies (he is OBSESSED with a california girls parody by the key of awesome) and we watched a few but he was like oh sam has seen this before i dont want to bore her.
i was like HAHAHA. yessss.
and kate was like i haven't seen them. and John was just like nope. and like ignored her. i was like oh John you are awesome haha
but then we watched a video of Justin Bieber getting hit by a water bottle. and sorry if you like him but i laugh everytime. it's just hilarious. i mean he's like "I just love you guys" then BAM he gets hit. and he's like "oww. i have no idea why she just threw that at me"
and some of the videos have it from different angles. it's awesome.
i mean i personally do not like him so you know it's hilarious for me.
but anyways Kate didnt think it was that funny, but then again she can be a serious fun killer if she wants things to go differently. but whatever. John and I didnt care and we laughed at it.
John kept putting up all these parodies and they were crazy.
then John's roommate came back and he was pretty funny.
John also talked about how he was hanging out with his lab partner the night before because they had interesting beer bottles which he showed us, and kate was all where did you get these and John was like oh at my lab partners then he looked at me and made this hilarious face like oh yeah check it out i'm making her jealous.
and i had to like contain myself because kate looked at me like what are you doing. and i was like oh gosh.
it was so awesome though.
then my friend Nina texted me because i had asked her to hang out. she also knows Kate, she actually met Kate first and she's like not enjoying the way Kate is either. so we hung out to vent it was awesome.
NIna is super cool. so i'm really enjoying getting to know her :)
shes a freshman by the way haha.
anyways so i left John's quad and i was like sorry i gotta go and John's roommate was like what we aren't fun enough for you. and iw as like umm no hahah i'm allergic to cats and i'm starting to feel it. and then he was like oh...
it was great hah.
then John like looked at me like oh man how can i get rid of kate and i was like well bye. but John was like wait do you want some hot tea or something?! and i was like uh no thanks haha.
i mean i have no idea what hot tea would have done with me if my eyes were starting to itch and my throat was feeling a bit bad.
but it's nice that he thinks tea can fix all.
anyways so i hung out with nina for like four hours then. we vented a lot about kate. i could tell it was much needed for nina. but then we talked about other things. it's freaky how much our lives are similar. but it's cool. I'm glad she became my friend :) i'm thinking she can replace kate in my friendship circle.
how much of a burn would that be. i mean kate brought her in and then she replaces her.
thus is life.
haha.

anyways enough about kate and her psychoness.

TODAY. in the mail i received my TAYLOR SWIFT CD! and i'm so happy. it's pretty awesome. i mean there are a lot of kind of slow songs that make me feel sad, but then she has other ones that are so upbeat that you are like YESSS. ahah and Better than revenge makes me super happy.
I mean i never liked Camilla she was a creep.
okay maybe not a creepy, but obviously using Joe for his fame. LAME YO.
but whatevs.

also i didnt' have a guitar lesson today because some kids were visiting and wanted to talk to my guitar teacher so he emailed me YESTERDAY to ask if it was okay and i was like fine. but he made me go to campus to reschedule THEN we dont even RESCHEDULE he was like we can just do that next week. i was like WHY AM I HERE RIGHT NOWWWW.
but whatever. John has his lesson before me so i just talked to John for a bit. he invited me to go to the lab with him (for like the sixth time in like two days) and i was like uh haha. i don't know. apparently he thinks i would like it. he was like you could divide some cells or something! i was like maybe some other time.
i mean i was in the lab with him last year he explained everything he was doing then to me and let me look through the microscope at a bunch of things and i was like my mind if going to explode.
me and science dont go well together.
but oh well.
also found out i have two research papers to write within two weeks.
sort of have research. but mostly dont
it's going to be real fun.
next semester i'm taking the easiest classes that i can find without making them seem to obviously easy. i mean i need 18 credits to graduate and i only need one class to fulfill my major.
14 free credits.
i'm def taking guitar again so that leaves me with 13. all my friends are like TAKE THIS TAKE THIS. and i'm like oh my word.
nina told me to take aural skills. which would be hilarious since i would never need that again.
and john told me to take some science class. because apparently he goes into the lab during that class time and it would be cool for him to wave to me apparently.
he also said he dances and sings during that class. i was like oh my hha.
then Kristin is asking about all these classes she wants to take and i'm like dude i haven't looked at ANYTHING yet. except the class i need and guitar.
i def need an advising session asap.
oh well.
haha.
so yeah i need to get ready to go to dinner.
restorative yoga afterwards. my ABSOLUTE favorite type of yoga. it's like extended nap time in yoga poses but you even bring pillows. love :)
so farewell :)

Wonderin'- Toby Mac

so i figure i will let you know that John doesn't care if Kate doesn't want us to hang out with him alone his exact words were
"I'm not her slave and she's not my master...i give you permission to hang out with me whenever you want."
i was like ahha alright John cool
he was confused about how Kate acted last night so i just told him everything kate said and how i was annoyed with her and that i dont want to hang out with her this weekend and john was like that's alright i dont plan on hanging out with her tonight either i want to hang out with my roommate and i was like aww. ahha. then i was like well john you need to tell her no if she asks to hang out. tell her you are doing something important. and he was like alright.
then we were talking about how John thought about how i told him kate liked him and that he realized that she acts weird whenever he mentions he is hanging out with his lab partner (who is a girl). and i was like well yeah she's jealous. and was like but you know what don't let that stop you hanging out with her. i think it's good they hang out more than just outside of the lab. plus she already has a boyfriend. which i found funny. and i told john not to tell kate that. because it's so much more fun when she gets jealous when he hangs out with her. and he laughed and was like alright i'll tell kate i'm going on lab dates, but i'll just leave out the lab part. i was like hahah. that's great.
so glad John is my friend
he then proceeded to explain a bunch of science stuff to me and i was like uh huh. i mean it made sense but woah. i can def not explain to anyone else what he explained to me. haha.
oh well. then we watched miley's who owns my heart music video and contemplated if miley is going to become the next lindsey lohan and if she'll do drugs. i mean honestly she seems like she's going down that path. quite saddening.
then we watched a video of britney spears actually singing. and it was bad.
like she can't sing.
i was shocked.
i was like well there goes my childhood haha. John was like oh no i'm sorry! and i was like hah that's okay. and he was like yeah it's better to know the truth and i was like haha yeah.
then he left to go get his computer worked on at ITS since it's still not working and it's been awhile.
and kate asked me if dinner at 6 was okay and i wanted to be like no.
but i guess i'll go. john better freaking be there though. can't deal with kate alone.
nope nopenope.
well i want to go practice guitar for awhile and study.
so goodbye :)
(notice how i seem to be in a better mood after ranting and talking to john about what happened. too funny)

All you're ever going to be is MEAN.

Lets talk about how Taylor Swift has successfully written songs that are relevant to my life once again. The single she released this week (aka Mean) umm is basically exactly what i needed to hear. i was telling my best friend B how taylor swift writes songs about my life and B was like "WAIT you dated John Mayer, Taylor Lautner and Joe Jonas and you didn't tell me!?" i laughed because i realized you could easily take that from what i said so i was just like "they made me sign a confidentiality contract"
then we laughed about how crazy that would legit be if that happened.
cause in all seriousness i probably would not date John Mayer, i like his music but he's kind of a jerk.
and Taylor Lautner is adorable but a little too young for me.
i would def date Joe though. mmhmm.
haha.
anyways this isn't a post about who i would date... haha
it's about T.Swift's song Mean. and how legit it matches Kate.
i mean everything but the line about watching football, cause Kate doesn't really do sports.
but anyways. i'm telling you it's like it's about her. cause she is so mean. all the time. and she puts people down all the time to make herself feel better. and i dont' know i just can't deal. so when i heard Mean i was like woah. i know someone like this. then it made me happy because now i just sing this song in my head whenever i'm around kate and it makes me feel better. that probably sounds crazy.
but it's true. and this song just makes me feel good because i'm just like wow. this is true. someday i'll be somewhere where she won't be able to put me down, and i'll be happy and she'll be still ranting about how all her friends in high school stopped being her friend and how she has no friends.
because that's always her back up defense for trying to make everyone stay friends with her.
and i'm always wanting to be like you know what MAYBE IF YOU WEREN'T SO FREAKING MEAN ALL THE TIME PEOPLE WOULD ACTUALLY LIKE YOU.AND WOULDN'T MIND BEING YOUR FRIEND.
but then she would cry. and i hate when people cry. i always feel bad. but i feel like with her i shouldn't feel bad because she is probably one of the meanest people i know, at least with the way she treats people. it's terrible.
sigh. it's just too much for me.
i mean let me tell you about this week.
so i didn't really talk to her at all this week, or really look at her for that matter.
i was just i don't know really annoyed with her from last weekend and i just didn't want to really go to dinner with her there. which sounds bad but i just didn't want to do it, but i mean i would have missed all my other friends so i went and just tried not to be near her.
i mean she's not dumb so she noticed that i wasn't really talking that much and that i was pretty much avoiding her.
and she kept asking everyone else if i was mad at her. which i mean i wasn't, i just wasn't happy with her decisions.
although i must admit it's kind of funny because even when i'm not annoyed with her i tend to avoid sitting next to her anyway because she's super touchy-feely and i legit do not like being touched a lot, especially not when i'm eating. and especially not by her.
so obviously she doesn't notice things like that.
but anyways back to the week.
so thursday at dinner she was acting like SUPER weird. so much weirder than normal. and she was being so much more obnoxious than normal and she purposely moved her seat to be closer to John. which was beyond what i can handle. i mean it's so freaking obvious that she likes him. it's disturbing. i mean John is super oblivious so he didnt really notice anything abnormal. which is a bit endearing but also ridiculous cause she was practically throwing herself at him.
i mean she kept touching him a lot, which he really doesn't like i mean our one friend last year used to do that (she transferred back to the school she had originally transferred in from this year) and it used to bother him a lot. i mean at dinner John was even like it's the return of Jenna!
and then Kate was like HAHAHAHAHAHA SORRY JOHN. like being super loud. and i was like what the heck she needs to calm the freak down.
then she like randomly brought up John's parents who we saw sunday, and she was like "no offense john but your parents weren't as skinny as i expected them to be" and i was like what the freak who says things like that. John kind of laughed it off though then he was like wait what is that supposed to mean. then she said something else and somehow was like what are your parents crack whores John! ahahhahaha.
and then i was really like oh my word she did not just say that.
and John got like super serious and he was like Kate if i ever said something like that to you you would get mad at me. and she was all hahaha no i wouldn't john i would just be like my parents are not crack whores.
and i was like oh my gosh. get me the freak out of here.
John got like really quiet though and i could tell it bothered him cause he like looked at me and he was like sam kate just called my parents crack whores. i was like i know john i know. that's just mean and he was like yeah. and i was like well at least they aren't and he was like yeah you're right. and i was like yeah. then kate was like JOHN BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH and i was just like really kate really. every time John tried to talk to me she would interrupt him and start talking to him and i was just like alright fine kate. fine.
like it's going to be like that. it's seriously exactly like last fall again. ugh.
so anyways she went up to get more water or something and Sam was like... She's drunk. and i was like what. then she texted me it to make sure i got it and i was like um what.
i mean this was THURSDAY NIGHT. like at 6:30 what the freak was she doing getting drunk then.
but apparently her and her roommate had a drink to celebrate how good the roommate did on a test or something. and you know it's whatever for the roommate since she's 21 but why the freak was kate doing that.
i just couldn't believe it.
like it legit upsets me.
she's going to be a freaking alcoholic at this rate.
:/
anyways afterwards we went to fake fireplace, real conversation. which is like one of my favorite things to do on campus on thursday nights. and kate was still being ridiculous so i kind of ignored her.
so maybe that was mean of me. but what the freak was she doing getting drunk.
so anyways friday i didn't see her all day, and it was glorious. then i went to the beer and wine stores with John, because i didn't want to go by myself and i was wondering about prices around here. (i mean i kind of want to just get some to have for like a casual drink on friday or saturday's nothing more than that. maybe like one mike's hard lemonade a weekend. idk) so i was supposed to go to dinner with kate at 6:20 but i told her i probably wouldnt make it and i didn't tell her why because i knew she would have asked to come with me and john and i didn't want that plus she's not 21 so it's kind of not allowed.
so anyways john and i took a really long time. plus he didn't get done in the lab until 6 when originally he said like 4.
so we went and i told him that kate likes him and he was like oh man i'm sorry and i was like it's not your fault and he was like yeah i know but i just i don't think i'm doing anything to make her think i like her and i was like your not.she's just crazy and he was kind of like alright. and i could tell it sort of freaked him out. he also admitted that he was completely oblivious to it and i was like uh yeah i know.
so anyways after we were at the store (where the beer store had a sample of Samuel Adam's winter beer, which is like seasonal and John tried it and like made me try it, which that was the first beer i have ever tried. and it was weird. i mean it was okay. but i have no idea what to compare it to, and John obviously does he's like a beer expert. the whole time we were in the beer store he just kept telling me everything about beer it was intense. ahha.) John was like we should go get a drink. and i was like uh i think we should really eat first. and he was like oh yeah good idea i haven't eaten all day. and i was like yeah lets do that. so we went to jays nest (the campus food thing where you can get food when the cafeteria is closed) and we got some sushi. well i got like a packet of sushi, john got two packets and a luna bar (he knows they are for women but he claims they are super good ,which i agree i really like luna bars haha)
but anyways it was kind of weird i always feel awkward when i'm with John alone, mostly because i can't decide if i like him more than a friend of if he's just like one of my best friends. you know?
but then kate freaking texted me asking me where i was and if she could talk to me. so she showed up and it was SO AWKWARD because she didn't talk at all and john was being nice and asking her about her day and she didn't even like respond so john kept looking at me and i was just like i dont know. so then kate basically made john leave because she was like sam can i talk to you and i was like yeah. what. and then she looked at John and he was like oh what do you want me to leave. and i was like oh brother and she was like yeah. so she made him leave.
then she was like are you mad at me. and i was like no kate i just dont' agree with the decisions you have been making dealing with alcohol. you've been drinking like every weekend and i dont like how last year you said you would never drink and now you do a lot. and she laughed at me and was like i dont drink every weekend. and i was like um yeah you do kate. and she does for the past month she has had a drink every weekend. and then she made some excuse about how she never said she never wanted to drink she just didnt think she would like it and then she tried it and it wasn't as bad as she thought. blah blah blah.and i was like seriously.
whatever. and she was like do you understand what i'm saying. and i was just like yeah. and she was like sam do you and i was like yeah i get it. then she complained about how me and sam always have john over and how she feels left out, especially since we take all those pictures with him. and i'm like we don't have him over all the time. like we barely have him over. we've been at school for like two months now and he's only really come over like ten times. which isn't that much within 8 weeks of school. and we dont' take pictures with him all the time. that happened twice.
she's so irrational. it's only because it's me and sam with john. and she wants john all to herself. which i refuse to do.
i think it's ridiculous. john is my friend and if i want to freaking hang out with him i freaking will.
UGH.
then she was like you were acting so secretive tonight for dinner. and i was like what it didn't matter i was like i wanted to go to the beer store with john to look around. and she was like you wanted to look around and she laughed AGAIN. and i was like (anger boiling what the freak why is that funny. yes i wanted to freaking look around i mean what's wrong with that. i'm not a freaking alcoholic like she is apparently grrrr. like this pisses me off so much even now a day later.) uh yeah i wanted to look around and she was all i thought you didn't like the beer store. and i was like i never said didn't like the beer store it's just not a place i want to go to.
like whatever.
and then she was all like offended i went with john and that we had dinner without her.
and it's dumb because it's not like she didn't eat with other people. she has friends.
of course this was also when she was like i just feel like i have no friends here. and i have seriously heard her say this so much that it's just a lie.
i was just like seriously kate you have friends no one would talk to you if you didn't and she was like well i just dont feel that way no one invites me to things.
it was just legit dumb. i mean obviously i'm not going to invite her to EVERYTHING I DO. first of all i dont want her at everything i do. and second of all she annoys me and apparently will proceed to drink at everything now.
so it's just not happening.
i'm kind of upset my roommate went home this weekend because i know she would have been helpful to talk this out with. i mean i texted her everything that happened and she got really mad about kate saying she has no friends because it's a lie. and about us hanging out with john "all the time"
it's just ridiculous
anyways after her stupid talk with me i left and came back to my apartment. i texted john to ask him if he wanted the wine he left in my car and he was like oh i'll come by sometime tomorrow to get it and i think we have to talk i'm a bit confused.
and i was like what the freak is he confused about.
it's probably the way she treated him when she showed up.
i swear if she ruins my friendship with him i'm flipping out and ending my friendship with her.
i don't need it.
she just puts me down, and stresses me out so whatever.
so yeah. after that i just was in my apartment and i was like this day ended up sucking.
so i watched harry potter and the sorcerers stone and drank the only drink i have in the fridge which was a twisted tea.
and then i watched princess diaries and went to bed.
although it was strange because i woke up this morning not feeling that great, well like i felt nauseous. so i think alcohol makes me feel sick. because everytime i drink (the two times. wooo) i feel sick the next day. and that's pretty bad since i only had one drink (and a sample)
apparently drinking is not for me.
but that's fine with me. i dont need to drink.
unless i'm around kate then maybe i should just black out....
haha just kidding that would be ridiculous.
she does make me want to forget that i'm her friend though. and that's bad.
and she's also the reason i can't wait to graduate and get the freak away from her.
i've pretty much decided she is going to be one of those people i never see/talk to again after college.
i don't need the drama she brings into life.
or the way she puts everyone around me down.
i mean she's not a good friend at all. i can't tell her anything personal about me because she uses it against me all the time.
friends shouldn't do that.
she's basically the only one of my friends who doesnt know that my parents are getting divorced. that's pretty bad.
and it's worse because i don't even want to tell her.
i keep wondering if upon graduation my parents will throw me a graduation party. i also keep wondering if that happens which parent will do it or if they both will and if so if i really need to invite kate.
that's terrible but true. i feel like i pry will have to then she'll find out. although i'm secretly hoping she'll be too busy to show up.
does that make me a bad person? i feel like it does. sigh.
i just don't want her to see my house, my family, my life.
alright now i know that mean.
she just uses everything against me. always. anything you say or do is like stored in her mind to throw back at you if you do anything.
so yeah. now that i ranted about my life i think i'm good for a bit.
John just called me to come over.
he wants his wine and probably to talk about last night.
which i don't want to talk about.
also i'm really awkward on the phone. it's awesome.
so yeah.
thanks for um "listening" to my crazy long rants.
bye