blame it on the summer rain

so there's no food in my apartment really, i mean we have cereal but then we don't have milk so you know that's problematic... anyways we have like 30 luna bars. so i had a luna bar for breakfast, and for lunch. although i also had a piece of toast with cream cheese and rasberry jam on it. which was good. but anyways i really don't want to have to eat a luna bar for dinner too. the thing is i'm a bit broke.
never got a stupid job around here. but whatever. i'm hoping i'll get my tax refund money from my mom when i go home for easter. that way i can buy my roommates birthday present, and be able to buy food!
i'm thinking about surprising her by making her a cupcake cake. (you make cupcakes but then ice them together to make it look like a cake!) i've never actually done it before but i think it looks easy. and fun!
plus she's turning 21 and she keeps saying that she feels like the trip she planned to penn state is going to fall through (since her trip to italy then our florida trip both fell through) so i figure i can make her birthday awesome, even if the trip does fall through!
also been fighting this stupid cough for like over a week now. it appeared out of no where and it won't leave. it's really annoying though. i'm trying to decide if it's because all the people around our apartment smoke and my body just can't handle it anymore...
i'm thinking it's kind of possible. but i mean it's a little over a month until i'm out of here. so hopefully my cough clears up before graduation!
speaking of graduation i bought this freaking ADORABLE white dress from target. it was on sale and it has a liner so it's not see through which makes me really happy! i've been looking for a white dress for like four years now! ahha.
i'm also going to wear it to this random dance i'm going to at my friends school on friday. although the dance is jungle theme.
the dress kind of has like white flowers outlined on it though, in kind of lace material..
anyway. i know that sounds bad that i'm broke but buying dresses... but i couldnt' resist it's so cuteeeeeeee.

so yeah. anyways today is supposed to be 81 degrees! i'm super excited although it's supposed to be only in the 60's the rest of the week. but i'm just glad it's out of the 40/50's spring is supposed to be nice not cold!
lets see, i've been working a lot on all these papers i have to do lately.
it's been intense.
i finished my one for judaism. that's due next week.
i'm half way done the one for vocation which isnt' due til may.
and i realllly need to start my internship paper (which apparently is supposed to be 20-25 pages. that's news flash to me..)
but that's not due til may either. but i'd rather have it done than be panicking about it...
i'm really excited for this weekend for the dance.
then next weekend i get to go home for easter!
which i'm excited for...except it might be bad because i have to talk to my mom about the living situation..
and i know she's going to make me feel guilty.
sigh.
anyways i'm also working on my seminary applications...
except i've only filled out one. and i don't feel like filling out any other ones. even though i know i should..
sigh.
well gotta get ready for class! so bye
Ps> i just gotta say i'm REALLY excited for Joe's solo album. i mean he just did the photo shoot for it. it's going to be awesomeeee. and apparently he's collaborating with chris brown..it's gotta be cool!

Here comes the sun... i wish.

this weather is driving me crazy!
it's spring and it was flurrying this morning, and is supposed to again on sunday.
and it's freezing. i really would love some warmth and sun!
anyway besides that in my vocation of the 21st century church class we were talking about fundamentalism, evangelicalism, and Liberalism. and it got me thinking about the people i know and who seems to be fundamental and what not.
it's interesting because i definitely would have considered myself conservative when i was younger, but after coming to college i would say i am more liberal now. Not that i am in liberalism, but i would consider myself more so in the middle where evangelicalism used to be (it's more towards fundamentalism now.) i mean i know i'm not a fundamentalist (although i know someone who is turning into one...) and i dont' think i'm quite at the extreme of being a liberalist. so i'm def in the middle.
it's really quite interesting to think about.
anyway
this week has been killing me, i haven't had a good night's sleep since i guess saturday night.
i blame my neighbors downstairs.
they yell at each other like every night at 2 in the morning. i used to sleep through it but they are getting worse and i think they keep hitting me at that point in your sleep cycle when you aren't as fully deep asleep. you know what i mean?
anyways then the guy's alarm goes off at like 4:30 ish and it's like a fire alarm that starts off quiet and gets louder. so their room is on the opposite side of where mine is off the apartment, but i can still hear it and it's obnoxiousness. :/
then at 8 the child downstairs gets up for school and she just YELLS AND YELLS at the kid. i feel bad for him.
then i get up at like 8:30 to go to the school to copy and laminate stuff.
it's quite exhausting.
i'm hoping saturday i can sleep in and get a good rest.
because tomorrow i'm going to a seminar for my internship. have to get up at 7...
sigh.
it's alright though, i'm sure i'll learn things and i'm driving up with the pastor so that'll be cool :)
well i want to go vacuum or something sooo later

no he can't read my poker face.

soo my life is kind of like a soap opera. i mean lets be serious some of the things that happen...
hilarious.
alright first of all.
my roommates boyfriend came over sunday to celebrate valentines day.
he's a really nice guy, but i feel SO awkward when he's here. like i should leave. only because it's weird like hearing them laughing in her room and stuff. but i really have no where to go when that happens. so this time i awkwardly took a nap. bahha.
then monday was valentines day. i personally prefer SINGLE'S AWARENESS DAY. i think that sounds nicer. haha
so i watched the movie valentine's day and ate ice cream. it was wonderful. then i went to yoga. which was glorious. not that many people were there this week so that was great.
i don't really remember what i did tuesday so obviously it doesn't matter.
oh wait. i found out my work study program isn't paying me for the work i've been doing at the school because my "work study money" is gone. which i really don't know if that's true i thought you got new money through the school each semester... but whatever.
i also have applied to four jobs in the past month.
kmart rejected me right away. i've heard nothing from giant, weis or cvs. i'm hoping cvs might because they said they had an open position which will be good.

then i took a nap for two hours because i was depressed by the school's rejection of money. which always makes me panic...
watched glee then. justin bieber experience. hilarious.
i agreed with finn when he was like seriously? justin bieber..
haha.
wednesday... uh class. church. then modern family and mr. sunshine with nick in it. so greattt!!!
yesterday. class. it was a beautiful day. which i love. john came over for dinner.
extremely awkward.
i'm never eating jello again because of him.
also he told us some things that have been going on. it was weird. i mean he's my best guy friend (also i've decided i no longer really like him like him, i just like him as my friend. i know it took me forever to think i did like him. but i really think we are better off as friends. and i'm reading christa black's book again and i'm just like you know i need to be like i'm awesome self-confidence and such then we'll see what happens. aha)
but sometimes i dont' wanna hear what he says... it's weird.
oh and he told us that kate told him we only want to hang out with him because we want to have sex with him.
HA.
i laughed. i was like wow that's just rude. if anything she should remember we used to talk about how we were saving ourselves for marriage. but guess she forgot. it's whatever. i don't even care. it just makes me laugh now.

you know i'm glad i don't hang out with her anymore i wouldnt' be able to handle everything she does anymore. and i feel calmer. well except when i'm freaking out about getting a job...but you know that's something different.
so that is why my life is a soap opera.
except i'm not playing into it, i'm just doing my thing. chillaxin' focusing on graduation and SPRING BREAk.
which i'm freaking excited about. if only sam's freaking cousin would message her back so we could get our tickets.
ridiculous!!
anyways friends from home are visiting today which i'm extremely excited about :)
then i'm going to the synagogue tomorrow morning for my judaism class. woo..

anyways enjoy this most marvelous weather we are having. <3

heads will roll

So i was thinking today about how awkward of a person i am.
I mean i'm not going to lie i completely enjoy being awkward it makes life interesting. except those times when i it would be easier to not be awkward but you know that's whatever..
anyways i was just thinking how funny it is that all my friends i make are awkward too, not in the same awkward way that i am, but you know they are still awkward.
it really makes life interesting. :)
anyways so i had to go to a synagogue on friday for my Judaism class. it was super small, but it was cute and the people there were very interesting :)
me and this girl i had class with last semester ended up in the teacher's car on the way there with her and her husband. that was kind of awkward since she kept trying to ask us questions and i was kine of like i dont really want to respond to these...
anyways i liked the synagogue, ended up sitting next to this strange kid who used to stare at me from his car when i would be bringing my guitar back to my car after a lesson. which was kind of unnerving. so i was like go figure you would be in my class and i would have to share this hymnal with you.
then the teacher asked us if it would be okay if we went back with someone else since her home was the opposite way of the school, and i totes panicked and thought i would have to go with him.
but luckily (or so i thought) she put us in the car of the cute kid i have two classes with.
of course the two other people in the car ended up talking about DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS and anime the entire time. i was like great. what an awesome car ride.
*note* the cute boy did not partake in the conversation, which i find comforting.
anyway once we got back to the school i was like thanks and sped walked away from his car because i was like i need to not ever hear about dungeons and dragons again. except then i watched community saturday and last weeks episode was called advanced dungeons and dragons.
thus is my life.
anyway so i had judaism today. and said cute boy held TWO doors open for me while leaving the building after class. i was like woooo. haha but of course i was like oh thanks :) and he was like sure no problem. he even like waited a few seconds for me to like get to the door since i really wasn't that close behind him :)
so yeah.
this kind of shows the awkwardness of my life to both extremes. like i can be normal and say thanks to cute boys who hold doors open for me. but i can also be stuck in a car with people talking about dungeons and dragons against my will.
too great.
well that's basically it. it's warming up around here! it's a big 44 degrees! woo! it's better than what it has been though. although it's supposed to rain/snow. at least that's what dashboard says so who knows. haha
and yoga tonight! yeah!
oh and Green Bay won the superbowl 31-25!
it was Super Bowl XLV unlike the lame-o news reporter who said it was only superbowl 35. dumb.
and glee was awesome last night, this will be an interesting season :)
and that is all!

it's snowing :)

Alright so i've been back at school since sunday.
life has been pretty lame, when i got back sunday i unloaded everything, put things away had dinner, then watched Remember Me (which i cried at the end of) and Snow White. then i hung out with my friend Nina for awhile.
Monday was MLK Jr. day so i went to school bought my books (somehow lost my receipt...) bought some drinks from the Jays (accidentally dropped a Nantucket Nectar glass while walking to my car and it broke...that was embarrassing...luckily no one was around) went to the store and bought milk. then basically chilled til Sam came back.
John came over then and we gave him his hilarious mix cd that is awesome. (lots of Katy Perry, Miley, and other random songs like dynamite, whip my hair, raise your glass) and his katy perry posters which he loved.
then he left. sam and i went to dinner with nina.
saw our friends..whom are no longer friends from last semester. that was interesting considering john was eating with them
such great times. ha
tuesday had my one class, that should be a good class, my teacher is the chaplain and i like her. plus the class is a lot smaller than our life meaning class i had with her. so that will be good.
afterwards went and had my "interview" for my internship. in reality they just wanted to talk to me so i don't know why they called it an interview.
it went well though and i just was basically told that i definitely had the internship. which i guess they expected me to have already known even though they made it seem like i didn't...so strange
wednesday. had my other two classes. buddhism and judaism.
my no longer friend because of the crazy ex-friend is in buddhism with me. we signed up together to be in that class and she acted like i didn't exist. i didn't realize there was a problem between us, but apparently there is... such a shame. but i know other people in that class so it's whatever.
then in judaism i know people too which is always nice. this one kid from my vocation class is in judaism too he gave me a weird look when he saw me and i was like whatevs dude, it's a small religious studies program i don't know what he expects. and there is this other kid in there who last semester he was ALWAYS in his car when i was carrying my guitar to my car. so he looked at me weird too. and i was like what the heck is this. the kid from his car isn't that cute up close, but the kid from my vocation class is kind of cute...
anyways today i had my vocation class once again, and our teacher made us get up and walk around and talk to five people about what we read.so i ended up talking to that kid who is also in my judaism class. actually in a way he like made a beeline for me after i had just finished talking to this other girl it was interesting. anyways i accidentally somehow flipped my pen onto the ground. i have no idea how it happened but it was kind of awkward. and i was like oh... and he just picked up for me and we continued on like nothing happened. so that was nice. although i feel like he might have though i was like flustered or something. i don't know. anyways i was explaining my interpretation on what i read and i had to explain what i liked or didn't like about it and i said i liked how the free church focused on scripture but i didnt like how they got rid of flashy things, and somehow i talked about anabaptists. so the kid wrote down that i fear anabaptists. which is completely untrue. but i was like alright and i like laughed and he laughed. and i have no idea if he was like flirting with me or what. but i dont' know like i said he is cute...but he has an earring and normally that isn't attractive to me.
well maybe that's not true considering this kid that was in my greek class had both ears pierced, i actually i think they were gauged with ones that looked like screws and he wore combat boots and smoked. but i thought he was incredibly attractive.
so what the heck.
haha.
anyway it doesn't matter whatever happens happens.
so after class i sent a package, bought stamps then it was snowing so i came back to my apartment and watched How To Be. and honestly it was such a weird movie... i dont 'know it wasn't what i expected. plus RPattz's hair is just ridiculous in that movie. haha
after that i didn't really do anything exciting. my life is pretty boring ahha.
i'm not sure if it's still snowing since it did stop for awhile. but i have class tomorrow so i hope it's not too bad because i don't want to not be able to get there. unless it gets cancelled which i doubt.
so besides all of that i've mostly just been chilling.
watching a lot of hey arnold on youtube. this one channel (arnoldphilshortman2 i believe) has like every episode and it's awesome :)
also started my internship wednesday night. so that's nice.
and yeah that's basically it.
:)
so that is all!

hahah.. you're funny.

So i went out to lunch with my mom on sunday.
it was interesting.
she tried to avoid questions that i didn't want to talk about. which was kind of nice.
i still wasn't very enthusiastic about being there though.
idk
i know there is something wrong with the fact that i don't enjoy seeing my mother and that i don't mind being with my dad now.
it's like a complete turn around from last year.
i just don't know

anyways the t.swift quote is the one that she used for her album about not being afraid to speak now and so on. i would type it up but it's currently at the new house, while i am the current house.
man moving is confusing.
because if i say old house then it's like the house i used to be in but that's not where i am.
goodness gracious.
anyways i'm stoked for the new house. :) it's going to be cool.

and i still haven't practiced guitar...
i think it's because I KNOW that i really need to do it...that i'm just not..
super bad.
also i've been reading a lot which has been wonderful
i miss reading during the semester.
just finished
Speak, and before that i read The Time Traveler's Wife, which was super good.
and some other ones that i had in the bag from my grandmother that took forever for me to read. so finally made it about halfway through which is exciting haha.
so yeah. basically wasting my life away in front of the tv.
watching old episodes of One Tree Hill on soap network. and lots of disney channel.
def need to exercise when i get back to school...
hah
and i've only worked three times.
not what i planned for break but i guess it happens.
going ot need two jobs this summer. heck this semester too.
sigh.
so much to do. so little time.
well i think i'm going to shower and sleep. haven't been sleeping that amazingly. pry cause i'm freaked out about this coming semester...
:/
alright night!

Just another Manic... Wednesday?

So i haven't really seen or talked to my mom since the incident of her going to the club.
it's just weird you know.
i really should visit her probably. considering i've only seen her like three times this entire break...
woops.
oh well. things happen. and i just don't feel like being around her right now.
anyways in other news my room is painted in my dad's new house. it's teal, and i love itttttt
I've decided that i probably won't be putting posters up over there. i mean how else will you see my awesome walls?
But i'm planning on putting up pictures. i mean my best friend gave me an audrey hepburn picture and then a frame that has a taylor swift quote in it from speak now. so hopefully my dad will let me put those up :) and i'm sure i can find other things to put. I'm excited for that room :)
even though my bed will still be out at school. but you know that's whatever.
i'm officially freaking out about graduating in may. idk what it is but as school gets closer the more i feel like i'm going to have a nervous breakdown. i just really feel unprepared for the future. i mean i know God will work it all out for me, it's just scary.

and i started looking at some seminaries online, and well that was strange they look kind of expensive, but then i realized they are like at least half the amount it costs to go to my school now, and that i would probably get financial aid. so you know that helped. it's still freaky though.

oh well. anyways i went to the oral surgeon yesterday so he could check up on my wisdom teeth extraction areas. and he said they are healing nicely. then i got a squirt thing to clean out the areas every morning and night.
it's kind of a weird feeling but it's also kind of cool. haha :)
although the lady who also like prepped me or talked to me everytime i went for an appointment asked me if i remember laughing at her after surgery, and i was like um actually no. which is really bad. i can't actually remember even getting home. i mean i remember having problems walking to the car, and somehow getting a frosty... but then i remember being home.
so i guess the later it is after the surgery the less you remember...but isn't life like that too?
anyways that's pretty much, just been on edge...and i really REALLY need to practice guitar...i haven't all break. mr. cullen going to notice... :/
oh wellllll.
okay well bye!
ps. that other sleepover i went to...yeah we did a dare night. crazy things happened. haha i'm tagged in the video on facebook. so if you want you can watch it there. but you don't have to :)

study.study.study.

so it's finals week.
pretty much the worst week of the year.
my eyes are going to fall out of my head. then my brain is going to melt out.
just sayin'
anyways...lets see last week ended alright. i guess. can't say i actually remember i think i studied too much so far this week...
that's all i remember doing..
hmm no seriously i can't remember what i did this weekend...
oh wait oh wait!
okay friday was the emotions dance show. i always love going to that they have such cool dances. it makes me wish i could dance :)
after that that sam and i made pancakes at like 11 at night and took weird crazy pictures. they are hilarious.
we were basically dancing around the kitchen to crazy rap music
.
I believe we danced to Miley's can't be tamed. and if i chose the right one that should be above this.
we also did crazy dances to rubber band man..
haha. i don't even know.
um went to bed at like one in the morning.
uh woke up at like noon worked on my final paper for awhile. actually for like six hours. even though i only wrote like four pages within that time. sam left to visit her b/f he was having a party.
i watched Across the Universe.
worked on my paper for a bit after that.
then went to bed.
sunday.
went to church.
established my internship :)
uh went to the choir/jazz band concert.
met John's parents. his dad called him a nerd... i laughed.
what can i say it was funny.
um the concert was exciting sang some christmas carols
SANTA (I KNOW HIM!) was there. and Frosty and Mrs. Frosty and Rudolph. it was a crazy time yo.
but it was very enjoyable!
um then we went to church again.
then i studied all night.
had a final yesterday at 2:30
think i did okay.
then i studied like all last night again
had a final today at 11
umm then after that i watched two weird movies on hulu
(happily never after 1 and 2)
and then i started packing to go home and cleaning my room. when i really should be studying...so yeah. i'll be studying some more. then i have a review session tomorrow morning at 9.
my teacher is just mean.
then i'll study some more have a jam session. study some more. then nina is having a sleep over with us i guess.
then thursday. some more studying final at 2:30 then homeeeeeee!!!! YESSSS
i'm so excited.
:)
also the people that live below us have been fighting every night this week at like 1-4 in the morning. not the entire time but just within those hours. it's really annoying. especially since it's finals week. hopefully they work it out.
well going to study now. finally...haha

exhaustion.

Today I kind of feel like my friendship with someone is kind of gone. I mean she still texts me about coming to dinner, but that's about it. And when i go to dinner i really dont talk to her mostly because she usually just talks about science the entire time with John or talks to Kate. so i usually just talk to nina. or sam.
i don't know. we used to have a pretty good friendship i thought but this semester she's been acting really weird. And i barely ever see her except for dinner. It's just weird. i don't even know why she still invites me to dinner, it's kind of useless.
And dinner's are always scheduled around what Kate can do, it's really annoying.
Like today we are eating at 5. that's in 45 minutes. i'm not even hungry... i mean that could be because i ate some special k like 45 minutes ago... or the fact that we normally dont eat until like 6.
I kind of just don't feel like going. I'm so tired, i haven't been sleeping very well. And I want to make sure my paper is good and then send it in. which i guess i could be doing now. but no thanks. haha.
anyways i don't know i'm feeling kind of sick, i'm afraid that i might have a fever. I"m so cold right now and the heat is on in my room but i can't even feel it. i'm like ready to crawl under my blankets and take a nap or something.
but i would probably miss dinner if i did that.
sigh. i just need to get through this week and next week, then i'm home for break.
I can do it.
sigh.
guess i'll work on my paper for a bit, go to dinner, then wait three hours until the Christmas candle light service which i love.
it's just so cold out. i'm so tired
i need to call my grandma too.
goodness.
well goodbye.

Why do you let me stay here? - She & Him

Went to the Lutheran Church in town today. It was kind of awesome. I mean i really do enjoy the non-denominational church services at school at night, but there is just something so much better about going to a real church and having a real service with real pastors giving the sermon instead of just random students. I dont know, i feel like i got so much more out of the service today. the sermon was about Matt. 3:1-12. and the Pastor was talking about cuttings things out of your life that make you feel dead or just as if you can't find God or Jesus. and i realized I did that. and then i was like wow. but then i also was wondering if maybe i just take things the way that i see them instead of how they are actually being portrayed...
but i guess everyone probably does that.
anyways sam and her b/f and John were supposed to go with me, but then sam and her b/f decided not to so then it was only me and john.
and it's always super awkward how i always seem to end up in these situations with john when it's like we are on a date or something.. happens so much.
but it wasn't bad. i mean i picked him up then we were going and he like got in the car and started talking then he was like oh good morning and i was like hah good morning. so we went to church and apparently John goes to that one pretty frequently so he was like telling me a lot of things about it, which was funny. but it was cool.
even one of his bio teachers were a deacon. so she came over and he was like yeah this is my friend sam she's a lute too! and i was just like oh goodness and i was like shaking my head and she was like oh is he embarrassing you, and i was like hah no but john was all OH YEAH Everyday! i was like oh jeez. HAH. He's so crazy hah
i really liked the church. i would totally consider going there more often. i would even consider doing my internship there. the only thing that was weird was that the kneel to receive holy communion and in the beginning to silently confess their sins.
i dont' know that was just strange and i was completely not used to that.
anyway. it was a good service. afterwards we walked through the cemetery (now that's a hot date.. ahha kidding this wasn't a date)
but it was crazy there were like gravestones from the war in 1776! isn't that crazy! it was so cool! so then we left and John just got a new car this weekend so he was like want to see my car! so we like were sitting in his car (i know that's strange) and then he was like do you want to go for a drive! i was like um sure haha. so we just went for this random sunday afternoon drive!! haha. it was kind of cool we almost got lost. but somehow he figure out where we were. i have no idea how hah but whatevs. it was cool we like were in the country which i absolutely LOVE. it was so cool and we saw some alpacas which john like freaked out about he was like screaming like a little boy. i was like goodness gracious. haha. i mean it was cool but not really screaming worthy haha. but its' whatever i'm used to him doing that. hah so we finally made it back to school. it was cool. his car is super nice. and i was happy that we got to hang out since it feels like we never see him anymore. so yeah.
then i came back to the apartment did some laundry. i have to go to this peer mentor dinner at 5:30. i really dont' feel like going. i just don't like peer mentor things i always feel so awkward. but oh well it's the only one i'll ever attend so i guess i'll just go.
anyways i should pry do some work... now that i've procrastinated all afternoon. read about bonnie and clyde. they are pretty cool. i don't know i just really like outlaw things right now i guess. haha.
oh also if the rumors are true about joe and ashley thinking about marriage, i think i might barf. i mean it hasn't even been six months. disturbing.
she's totally using him, but oh well he has to live his life however he wants.
yup. okay bye.!

i whip my hair back and forth...

so i'm back at school.
boo.
but only three weeks left...then i'm home for break!
woo
i'm still panicking about having enough money for rent for next year.
and my mother calls me during yoga and starts telling me i have to pay her for my phone next year and how much it's going to cost and how i really need to do that so she can get a house.
i was like great thanks mom. like i'm not stressed enough about money as it is.
and with finals coming up.
she's so considerate.
whatevs.
can't deal yo.
anyways i am almost done revising my one paper need to do an introduction paragraph and look at the suggestions john made about it and add my greek translation then i'm done!
woo.
but i have to write a five page paper by thursday about communion
and a two page one my friday about the book of daniel
excitement.
so much to do. goodness.
still can't believe there is only two weeks of classes then finals.
INSANITY!
ahh.
anyways i'm going to write a letter back to someone, then do some homework then sleep! woo.
hah.
thus is life.

also i have had the song ur so gay by katy perry stuck in my head all day... the music video is hilarious.
i mean if you don't take it the wrong way, .i think it's funny.

Speak Now

SO i was thinking about Christa Black's tumblr response to someone earlier this week, the one about boys and heartache. I dont' know why but this quote really stuck out to me
“I gave my heart to someone—the thing that my life flowed out of—my emotions, my days, my speech…everything. I handed that heart to someone who had never fought to pursue it, or even shown interest to earn it.
Your soul is your mind, your will, and your emotions, and I’d handed him my soul without him doing anything. It did nothing to affect him…but it was ruining every day of my life.”

i don't know why but it just really stuck in my head.
actually i do know why.
i mean i feel like i do this all the time.
i start to like a guy and i just give him my all without him even knowing. i know it's real bad to do that, but sometimes i guess you just can't help it.
but i've decided i need to be stronger. i need to not give my heart and soul to a guy, especially if he doesn't even care.
I don't know if this sounds weird.
but i mean i keep mentioning how i might possibly have a crush on my best guy friend.
and you know, being home for thanksgiving i realized that i actually do like him.
and i'm pretty sure it's more than a friend.
i don't know dumb things remind me of him, and i want to be like haha oh this reminds me of john, and say that to someone but then i'm like wow. everyone is going to shoot me if i start being like that.
i mean they won't actually shoot me, but they would be disturbed.
and lets be serious my brother and my dad want me to date him anyway.
sam and nina would probably completely back me if i was like so i like him.
my problem is i dont know if he feels that way.
and i can't put myself out there like that, especially if it would ruin our friendship.
i'd rather be his friend than nothing at all.
he's been a rather amazing friend to me since i've known him and i don't want to lose that.
which brings me back to handing someone my heart and soul without them knowing it or earning it.
i mean he definitely should not know. i mean i never said anything to him.
when weirdo kate thought we were having a secret love affair i told him, and i asked him if he thought it was weird she thought that and he said yes.
which i dont know kind of hurt. because i couldn't tell if he meant it would be weird for us to actually of had one, or for her to randomly decide someone is having one.
idk. obviously i overthink things.
such a downfall.
but anyways. i've decided he never asked for my heart and soul, so i'm taking it back.
or i'm reeling it in.
i dont' want to give him something he never asked for, and i'm tired of always feeling hurt when things seem to change.
i mean i always like a guy too much and then i always feel hurt when they date someone else.
so i'm ending it. i'm going to be a strong person and not let my heart and soul just do whatever it wants. i'm taking control and i'm not going to let them just go to anyone. i'm going to wait until someone deserves it and asks for it.
yup.

this also made me think about T.Swift's whole thing about "speaking now" because you never know what will happen.
and i really dont think i can do it.
i don't know, i just don't think i was built for the speak now kind of thing.
maybe someday i'll try my hand at it.
...


anyways hope you all had a wonderful week and thanksgiving and black friday!
my week got much better when i arrived home. i really missed being home.
thanksgiving was strange. idk, it really just was. and my grandmother offered to set me up with a nice quiet boy, the grandson of one of her friends. i just laughed.
i'm kind of thinking whatever is meant will happen.just my philosophy.
didn't go black friday shopping. i wanted to. but i'm absolutely broke. seriously have like four dollars in my checking account and enough in savings for rent and the electric bill for next month :/
kind of freaking out about that. but it's going to all work out...
also had my wisdom teeth consultation today.
getting all four out on december 28th.
not excited at all. in fact i'll probably be super nervous that day.
i know it's like minor surgery, but i'm getting anesthesia. first time for that. and they said it's intravenous.
which um makes me want to cry a bit. absolutely hate needles. but oh well. this way my teeth and gums won't rot like they so lovingly told me. :l
blah.
i've been watching way too much tv this whole time ive been home. like seriously i watched Mary Poppins, Elf, Pretty Woman and the news (well the news was at my aunts house i have no idea why my cousins were watching that) yesterday. today i watched the last hour of Enchanted, The end of back to the future 2, and the entire back to the future 3. Toy Story 3 (well on dvd) and i watched part of a boy named charlie brown.
pretty much am doing nothing in front of the tv.. terrible.
although i did have like 6 loads of laundry to do the past two days. i have no idea how that happened but i got it all done.

oh and depressing news. my school does a junior/senior formal dance.
well they posted the date.
February 26.
this is depressing because last year it def happened in like april.
this gives me so much less time to get a date. so unprepared for this. and i have to buy a dress too. life. goodness.

whatevs. so i'm going to read HP4. so good night!

the one the wind and waves obey is strong enough to save you.

Alright so i finished my essay with over 4000 words... the limit was 4,500. i would have surprised myself to have reached that. but i was surprised i even hit 4,000. like what the heck!
anyways. so this weekend. lets see.
kate annoyed me all last week. idk i tried to be civil and just let it roll off my shoulders but it doesn't work like that. at least not with her.
so anyways. my brother came to visit and he showed up friday at like 4:30. so that was exciting (even though he skipped his last two classes of the day...so bad) but it was cool we went to dinner at like 5:45 or something and i introduced Kate to my brother and she was all "oh i know you two look a like" then she touched my face. i was like um don't touch my face kate. and she was like i'm sorry sam. then she went to the other sam and was like sam doesn't care if i touch her face lets do a cheek kiss sam!
and sam was like um what.
anyways i don't like when people touch my face. i have sensitive skin, enough so that just because she touched my face i could break out from it. and i don't know if she washed her hands or whatever before touching my face.
ugh.
and she didn't know he was my brother and i was introducing him with his name. so i dont understand why she was like i know.
but whatever.
she was annoying during dinner but i just talked to my brother and nina most of the time.
afterwards we went to kate and kristin's room and it was pretty boring. we got invited to this tupperware party in the lounge of their dorm so went to it and part way through a fire alarm went off so we had to leave.
but it was whatever since i had just won a tupperware thing. although all the options were like super small things and i ended up with this hanger thing which you can hang recipes on or the lady said she uses them for her wet bathing suits at the beach. so i was like cool.
anyways after wards when everyone was leaving i saw one of my peer kids so i was talking to her for awhile meanwhile kate, kristin and sam had gone back to kate and kristin's room and i was like whatever.
so when my brother and i got back there i was like interesting...kristin was drinking. but you know that's whatevs and kate pulled something out of the fridge and was like oh this should be ready now pretending that it was only like crystal light mix with water. but come on now. how dumb does she think i am like seriously.
she also had a yoohoo. and our friend steve last year used to put ice 101 in yoohoo's and he said they tasted like thin mints. so for kate to be drinking yoohoo was obviously her putting vodka in it.
she always does this thing now of being like "dont tell sam" (referring to me) and i'm like really. do you think i'm that dumb that i don't realize you are drinking right now. plus she starts getting all flushed and stuttering.
she must think i'm an idiot.
but whatever. so we watched two episodes of it's always sunny in philadelphia. then i was like this is so boring.
and kate was being dumb.
so finally we were like lets leave.
plus sam's friends meghan and gretel were coming up so we actually had a reason to leave.
so we came back to the appointment and we asked my brother what he thought of kate and he was like she just seems really fake. and i was like HA oh my gosh. she is. she's like the fakest person ever.
my brother saw that probably within an hour of knowing her.
like that's sad.
whatever.
so it was only like 9 at that point so we hung out for awhile sam's friends showed up at like 11 we went to john's quad he wasn't there yet. he was "taking care of somebody" which obviously means someone was drunk. he's too kind to just leave them there. so while in John's quad we were hanging out then Kristin, Joe and Steve showed up and we were all like STEVE! since he graduated last year. he's so great.
Joe is on my good side right now for saying kate is a hypocrite because she used to get mad at joe for drinking and he was like i haven't had a drink in awhile and kate gets drunk every weekend now. what a hypocrite
i was like haha oh joe you don't need to tell me, i completely agree.
so now i think i'm being a bit over nice to Joe but what can i say i'm so stoked he called her a hypocrite. ahha
so at like 11:45 we headed to Rocky horror. a lot of the seats were filled so we ended up in the front. i was like oh man please don't let this be a show where they touch you or something. that freaks me out. i somehow ended up in the front row but luckily sam's friends were like we'll switch with you we don't mind the front row and i was like THANK YOU!
so i ended up in the third row. my brother sat next to me on the right and john on the left. sam, gretel and steve were in front of me and in the front row was kristin, joe, and meghan.
nina showed up after work and kate randomly appeared out of nowhere and like followed nina. we had only saved a seat for nina since no one knew kate was coming since she complained that it sounded dumb anyways. but whatever
so nina got the seat and kate was like nina you took my seat but sam told nina we had saved it for her. so that was good.
the show was crazy and interactive, but it was fun. random dancing and shouting. :)
i liked it.
afterwards we were hanging out and it was kind of funny since it was steve, john, kate and my brother on the left. sam, kristin, joe, meghan and gretel on the right and me and nina kind of in the middle. but whatever.
then kate started asking my brother these dumb questions and he just stared at her and she hates that so she started poking his nose ring and i kind of flipped because i hate when people touch my face without my allowing them too. so for her to just do that and his nose ring. that could make it get infected or something. so i was like kate stop that. don't touch people's piercings that's so rude . and John just chimed in and was like YEAH! how would you like if someone touched your leg piercing and kate was like haha i dont' have a leg piercing. and john was like DO you want one...
it was so great and i was like ahha oh john always knowing when i need comedic relief. he's so good.
my brother then texted me and was like hey it's okay i can take of myself and i was like yeah i know i'm sorry and he was like i was about to make her cry!
and i was like haah that would have been great. she just stresses me out.
it was good though because then i was like telling him when we finally left to go to john's quad which i have no idea why we were all doing that at 2 in the morning i was kind of exhausted but whatevs. so i just told her she creates too much drama and i dont' need that and he was like you dont think yelling at her just created drama. and i was like sigh you are probably right. and he just laughed and was like it's okay don't worry about it.
so we made it back to john's quad and everything was okay until kristin went to her car and came back with alcohol and i was like oh man i can't be here anymore like seriously kate is already trashed and kristin was too. too much. my brother saw it and was like hey it's okay then sam was like lets go. and i was like thank goodness so we left. my brother an di talked until 4:30 in the morning which was nice :)
i enjoyed it.
the next day we slept until like noon. i made pancakes then at one i met nina and had some hot chocolate with her. came back at 2 my brother decided to stay another night. so kind of just hung out all day. went grocery shopping had dinner in our apartment. my brother called John to have him come over (he seemed to enjoy that, he called him twice the night before too) but JOhn was all i'm doing work. which he probably was. so it ended up we all did work. my brother watched the breakfast club at like ten so i watched taht with him then worked on my research paper. my brother went to sleep after the movie
i stayed up to see the time switch for daylight savings then i fell asleep. woke up sunday at like 11:30 my brother got ready to leave. i did some more work had breakfast. my brother left at 1. it was kind of sad i'm glad he came though :)
sam and i met up with nina...kate and kristin (and kristin's two friends) were there too for cabaret. it was weird and hilarious. but it was cool.
afterwards nina sam and i went to the jays and hung out then went to church.
nina was sitting in a row so me and sam sat with her and kate was all guys wah wah wah and we were like what, it's not like she was sitting alone she was sitting with some girl named stephanie. but then she was like fine i'll just move and i was like no you can't sit next to me (half serious half joking) and she was like whatever and she like half crumpled my bulletin and threw it on the ground. i was like wow.
you jerk i would have eventually let her sit there. but i was like i can't handle this. i went to the bathroom to like calm myself donw. came back to church and didn't talk to her the entire service. or at dinner.
i just can't deal anymore.
i had my guitar lesson today and she KNOWS when i have it and she was sitting in the chair right in front of my guitar stuff. ON PURPOSE. she didn't turn around or say hi or anything. and iw as like fine i'm not going to say hi either i made faces at nina which was fun then nina was like BYE SAM! and made a heart sign at me and i waved. nina is so great.
meanwhile nina said kate was all sad.
but you know whatever.
apparently she told nina that she's never going to drink again.
i find this hilarious.
i also don't believe her but whatever.
didn't go to dinner tonight mostly to avoid her. so nina came over and we had dinner in the apartment :)
sam was working on a presentation for class with her partner on campus. so it was nice.
then i went to yoga it was wonderful and relaxing.
i love yoga.
and now i should do homework.
i've basically decided i dont' need kate to bring me down anymore.
i'm thinking of telling her nothing good comes out of our friendship so we shouldn't hang out anymore. she'll pry cry. but i don't really care. because it's true. she just stresses me out and produces drama. nothing i need. so yeah.
that's basically it. homework time. now that it's 11:25. oh jeez.
just scheduled senior portraits for wednesday! that's scary.
but i figure if i don't get them done my mom would be angry. so whatevs.
so yeah okay bye!

>:/

so my brother came up to visit this weekend. :)
it was awesome. saw rocky horror picture show on friday night.
hilarious. sat between my brother and John and they were like tag teaming off of each other.
so great.
Kate showed up drunk.
i ignored her while we were there. i mean i was too busy laughing at John's random shouting (since you do that at those random showing things they do) and my brother doing the same thing.
also at the random dancing we did, that was crazy. haha.
some other stuff happened (eventually i'll go into more detail) and i yelled at kate. almost punched her in the face...
she was drunk enough that she didn't remember it because she tried to sit next to me at church today. and i was like what the freak are you serious. i sort of jokingly (mostly serious though) told her she couldn't sit there. i would have eventually let her sit there but before i could move my papers she threw them on the ground.
i was like wow.
so i "went to the bathroom" to take some time to relax and not flip out on her.
i just don't get her.
she apparently was drunk thursday night too.
so wonderful.
she drinks more than i do.
sigh.
i'm honestly contemplating talking to her and being like listen our friendship does nothing productive for me or you. you act super fake around me and i don't tell you anything about my life because it's not worth it you'll just make fun of me for it.
so lets just be civil but i don't think it's worthwhile for either of us to hang out anymore.

i feel like if i do that though she'll try to manipulate everyone to be on her side...
although honestly i know sam adn nina would side with me. john would secretly side with me but still hang out with kate and kristin would flip out on me.
but whatever.
i can't take it anymore. it's my senior year of college, why should i have to deal with all of this stuff on top of my stressful academics.
it's really not necessary.
and i wouldn't stop going to everything just because she would be there i mean i enjoy all the things we go to. so she couldn't stop me.
whatevs. i'm thinking it might be time to set into motion "operation exile kate"
although exile sounds kind of terrible. it's more like just take her out of my life.

anyways i'll write more about this weekend tomorrow probably. after i finish this essay that i'm 700 words away from being done with. it's also 12:09 and i'm tired but i need to finish it by 11 tomorrow (well today) night. but i don't want to do it later.
sigh.

oh and just for a laugh. my brother thinks i should date john.
okay well back to the essay.

love the lord your God...

so lets talk about how i worked on that paper all weekend and MY TEACHER MOVES BACK THE DUE DATE TO NOVEMBER 22. that's like three weeks from now.
i was like HAHAH. great.
just great.
but you know it's cool because i'm basically done with that paper, and that means when that time comes i'll just read it and see what i think about it and rework somethings.
maybe i'll still finish it up like now. so i dont need to worry about it then.
whatever. it just seems like i'm an overachiever now. so ridiculous. haha
but i decided to start my other research paper today. it's due next monday. but i won't have that much time this weekend. i'm writing it on 1 John 4:7-21. so yeah
I'm going to borrow my friends Bible's if they have different versions to compare them. it should be good. hopefully.
also found a site online that has different versions like right next to each other it's pretty cool.
if you want to check it out gooooo
HERE
at least that's what i'm comparing so you can look at it :)
so yeah. i pry should get my stuff together to go to dinner and then yoga afterwards even though i still have like twenty some minutes. maybe i'll practice guitar for a bit. i'm learning a new song that has new chords i've never played before! and i have to slide my fingers on the strings. well i dont' have to but it makes it easier for switching chords.
my fingers are going to be peeling... haha
OH AND my brother is coming to visit on friday :)
i'm so excitedddd!
this week...it's going to get better. :)
bye!

i like to dance dance dance.

so lets talk about how my weekend has been lame. good. annoying. weird. and lame.
starting with lame. all friday night and all day saturday i worked on my freaking research paper. it's half way done. i really should be working on that now too because i want to get it done so i can move onto my next one. that would be wonderful.
but whatever instead i'm wonderfully procrastinating again. i mean i'm going to get it done because i need to and i want to make sure i give myself enough time to work on the other one.
sigh.
anyways. so after working on my paper all day sam, kate, john, courtney and i took one of the buses to the Messiah v. Etown soccer game. it was the "marshmellow bowl" so everyone throws marshmellows. it's really intense. and you would think marshmellows wouldnt hurt but they do. i got hit in the head like six times and i was like wow. i do not like you people.
but anyways it was nice because our friend Jenna goes to Messiah (she was the crazy one who was at messiah transferred to etown then transferred back to messiah.) so we saw her and it was nice. i missed her a lot. like her crazy random singing and how she always just puts kate in her place. it was wonderful.
except for kate who showed up like super grumpy or something i dont' know, she just didn't say hi to anyone and apparently was expecting me and sam to be all KATE oh my gosh blah blah blah. and i'm never like that. so idk what she wants but you know whatevs.
anyways the soccer team lost 3-1. it was kind of sad but oh well. i don't really like soccer anyway so it's not like i even knew what was happening. haha.
but anyways afterwards we got back to the school and sam and i hosted our little halloween get together.
it was kind of awkward at first because kate and courtney and nina came over like right away. and sam and i were originally planning on changing then picking everyone up but you roll with the punches. i wore this detective outfit.
and unfortunately we have no pictures because our friends never want to take pictures. it's lame
but anyways. so nina came with me when i picked up john, and john was in a toga. that was kind of hilarious. and weird.
because he wasn't wearing a shirt and he's like SO self-conscious like he wears white t-shirts under v-necks.
so um yeah. that was crazy.
so yeah sam was a hooker at a dead guys funeral. i was a detective. nina was a martini (she dressed in black and had like an olive on a stick it was sweet), Kate was a grandma and courtney was a nurse.
and sam's b/f came up but he didn't dress up. so lame. ahah. it's alright though.
so we turned on some music, and well i didn't think it was too loud. i mean i guess it was loud for our apartment but it shouldn' have been loud enough for like the other apartment around us to hear. but that was a wrong guess on my part because the guy who lives under us came and knocked on our door and told us to turn it down because we kept waking up his kids.
i was like oh...
it was awkward and i felt kind of bad. but i still didn't think it was that loud.
john had brought beer over for himself so he was drinking that, and sam and i had a mike's hard lemonade. well i had one, sam had two and she has like four shots. which i only had one shot too. it was a pomegranate kind which was surprisingly good. i mean it burnt still but it was fine. and this was throughout our time hanging out in our apartment so it's not like it happened after he came to our door. cause that would have been weird. haha. so yeah after he came to our door we turned everything off and we went on campus to the dance. and those dances freak me out they are so weird. like really weird. and i really just don't like how people dance there. like it makes me want to throw up. i mean it was strange because John started dancing with a girl like that and i was like oh my word i'm scarred for life. scarred.for.life.
it was just strange.
also sam and her b/f left because you need an id to get in and sam forgot hers and kate doesn't dance so she didn't come and courtney went back to her room. so it was just me nina and john. and john just did his thing so me and nina just kind of danced not in the center and sort of watched john and were like dang. haha
so crazy.
then the dance was over and i was kind of like wow now i have to walk back to my apartment in the dark.
i was like oh man. and nina was like i don't want you to do that. and iw as like i don't want to do that. so we waited for john. and he knows a lot of people so he was talking to everyone then he came over with this girl from the music dept that nina knows and so we were like talking until three in the morning. ridiculous. finally we all left. nina was walked back to her dorm by the other girls and john walked with me back to his quad then he asked me if i wanted him to walk me back to my apartment and i was like um yes. please. and he was like alright no problem just let me put on clothes. and i was like haha oh gosh. that's weird. but he did then he walked me back and we talked until 4:30 in the morning standing outside in the cold. so weird.
but i'm glad he walked me back and we had a nice conversation even though i felt like i was going to fall over and sleep on the ground. we just talked about random things
and about kate.
apparently she still thinks everyone hates her and a bunch of other things and she told john to talk to me and sam about her and how we are mean to her.
i was like oh my word.
it's really not like that at all. i know sometimes i dont' talk to her during meals but it's not like it's on purpose sometimes i just dont' have anything to say. and she always thinks i'm mad at her. it's ridiculous.
i can't really stand it.
i feel bad for john and nina because they are always in the middle of everything.
sigh.
so yeah kate also apparently told nina that she thinks everyone likes me and sam better than her. freaking crazy.
it's whatever.
so i need to work on my paper. so i'm going to do that now.
fare thee well.

She should know there's nothing that I do better than revenge.

So yesterday was hilarious.
I was at restorative yoga, preparing to be so relaxed
then my friend Kristin tells me that Kate thinks that John and me are having A SECRET LOVE AFFAIR.
uh yes.
i was like UM WHAT HAHAHA
except my laugh was extremely fake because i was like oh my gosh. that's awkward.
then i was like is it obvious that i can't decide if i like him, and what does she mean by secret love affair does it seem like he likes me, or like acts like he does? that's intense.
then i was freaking out the entire restorative yoga class. so i got no relaxation. it's a shame since i needed it.
but yeah. i'm still like really a secret love affair.
me and john.
goodness.
she also is apparently thinking about NEXT SEMESTER and the JUNIOR/SENIOR formal dance at the END OF APRIL.
i was like what the heck why is she thinking about that? i mean seriously that's next year. way far away.
but Sam (my roommate) jokingly told Kate awhile ago that i would be going with John because it makes the most sense, and Kate doesn't like that.
and i'm like dude what does it matter.
i mean seriously that's so far away. and i'll go with whoever i want to go with. heck i'll go alone. oh wait i'm just kidding i refuse to go to another dance alone ever again.
but anyways.
why does it MATTER. that's in APRIL.
goodness.
she's much too worried about that.
but it doesn't matter because she'll drink it away this weekend when she "pre-games" before me and sam's halloween party.
um yes. she plans on getting drunk before our halloween party.
it's a bit ridiculous. since Sam, John and I are going to the soccer game against our rival (Messiah, how funny that our rival is Messiah. it sounds like we are rivaling Jesus. intense) so our "party" isn't going to start until like 9:30 and she plans on "pre-gaming" from 5 until then. that's almost 5 hours. that's ridiculous. she's going to be trashed.
and she plans on coming as a grandma. her grandma voice is the most annoying thing i have ever heard.
don't think i can deal.
and she'll be drunk so she'll be over the top :(
i dont even want to have a halloween party anymore because of her.
I'm so sad i was really excited for halloween, i was going to be a detective.
:/
she ruins everything.
i'm also not having a great day because i had a midterm today for a 100 level class, worth three credits (most classes are four here) and it was the hardest one i have ever taken
sigh.
i have so much to do this week and next.
i have another test tomorrow.
and i need to write two research papers by next friday.
there goes all sleep i was planning on having.
woe is me.

sigh.
i need a break.
like thanksgiving break except that would be bad because then everything would have been due already, including my portfolio for my life meaning class which i haven't really worked on...
i'm so dead.
so much to do so little time.
perhaps i should spend more time doing work rather than blogging about it.
but what's the fun in that?!!!!
gahhh.
well i need to do something else.
it's 5:45 perhaps i'll eat dinner.
goodbye.

let's hear the applause. come on show me how much better you are.

(Holly I love you and i completely would LOVE to cut her out of my life slowly...and truth be told i'm working on it... and she hasn't noticed.)
SO at dinner on Saturday it was Kate, John and me, but John's roommate from last year randomly joined us (he still creeps me out a bit. such a strange boy) and apparently Kate went to his apartment. now to me this was shocking because she claims to think he is weird. but who goes to someone's apartment if you think they are weird?!
uh yeah no one.
She likes the attention he gives her.
sickening.
anyways one of John's friends Caroline showed up and sat with us too. and they were talking about super weird movies that they've seen. i mean they were kind of freaky (like human centipede and teeth) but i mean it was funny the way they were talking about it. i mean i've seen my share of freaky movies ( i watched this weird one on tv once called frogs. we didn't have cable and it was randomly on around halloween haha. and alfred hitchcock's birds is freaking scary) so i was just laughing like you know that sounds funny. i probably wouldnt watch them but i dont care hearing about them. and kate was all EWWW STOP TALKING ABOUT THAT I'M GOING TO THROW UP EWW EWE BLAHBLAHBLAH. i was like oh my word girl shut it. and i just like looked at John and i was like nope i've never heard of those movies tell me about them.
:)
so bad. haha.
of course afterwards kate was all John i want to see professor pumpkin (john and his quadmates got a kitten, it's illegal to have pets except fish. but they are all seniors and being rebels ahha) i haven't seen him in a week (WAH WAHWAH. that's what i was thinking at least haha) and John was like panicking and trying to think of something to not get her to come but he's TOO NICE. so he was like well i mean i really need to study so you can see him but you have to leave then.
Um kate is the last person in the world who would go over there and leave after seeing pumpkin.
and i was like NOOOO. well in my mind. but then i was like dang it. so then i went over just so John didn't have to be alone with her. see i'm nice :) ahha
but i'm also allergic to cats. and well John really likes pumpkin and he kept like picking him up and i just could see the hair and i was like i'm going to die.
i mean it takes me a long time to start feeling it if the cat just is like acting normal but with everyone picking him up (also kate like purposefully stood near me when she picked him up the first few times. i was like you so know i'm allergic jerkface.) i started to feel it within an hour.
yup somehow we ended up there for an hour.
I mean John tried to be like i need to study but Kate was all you dont need to study blahblahblah.
so rude.
but John started showing us parodies (he is OBSESSED with a california girls parody by the key of awesome) and we watched a few but he was like oh sam has seen this before i dont want to bore her.
i was like HAHAHA. yessss.
and kate was like i haven't seen them. and John was just like nope. and like ignored her. i was like oh John you are awesome haha
but then we watched a video of Justin Bieber getting hit by a water bottle. and sorry if you like him but i laugh everytime. it's just hilarious. i mean he's like "I just love you guys" then BAM he gets hit. and he's like "oww. i have no idea why she just threw that at me"
and some of the videos have it from different angles. it's awesome.
i mean i personally do not like him so you know it's hilarious for me.
but anyways Kate didnt think it was that funny, but then again she can be a serious fun killer if she wants things to go differently. but whatever. John and I didnt care and we laughed at it.
John kept putting up all these parodies and they were crazy.
then John's roommate came back and he was pretty funny.
John also talked about how he was hanging out with his lab partner the night before because they had interesting beer bottles which he showed us, and kate was all where did you get these and John was like oh at my lab partners then he looked at me and made this hilarious face like oh yeah check it out i'm making her jealous.
and i had to like contain myself because kate looked at me like what are you doing. and i was like oh gosh.
it was so awesome though.
then my friend Nina texted me because i had asked her to hang out. she also knows Kate, she actually met Kate first and she's like not enjoying the way Kate is either. so we hung out to vent it was awesome.
NIna is super cool. so i'm really enjoying getting to know her :)
shes a freshman by the way haha.
anyways so i left John's quad and i was like sorry i gotta go and John's roommate was like what we aren't fun enough for you. and iw as like umm no hahah i'm allergic to cats and i'm starting to feel it. and then he was like oh...
it was great hah.
then John like looked at me like oh man how can i get rid of kate and i was like well bye. but John was like wait do you want some hot tea or something?! and i was like uh no thanks haha.
i mean i have no idea what hot tea would have done with me if my eyes were starting to itch and my throat was feeling a bit bad.
but it's nice that he thinks tea can fix all.
anyways so i hung out with nina for like four hours then. we vented a lot about kate. i could tell it was much needed for nina. but then we talked about other things. it's freaky how much our lives are similar. but it's cool. I'm glad she became my friend :) i'm thinking she can replace kate in my friendship circle.
how much of a burn would that be. i mean kate brought her in and then she replaces her.
thus is life.
haha.

anyways enough about kate and her psychoness.

TODAY. in the mail i received my TAYLOR SWIFT CD! and i'm so happy. it's pretty awesome. i mean there are a lot of kind of slow songs that make me feel sad, but then she has other ones that are so upbeat that you are like YESSS. ahah and Better than revenge makes me super happy.
I mean i never liked Camilla she was a creep.
okay maybe not a creepy, but obviously using Joe for his fame. LAME YO.
but whatevs.

also i didnt' have a guitar lesson today because some kids were visiting and wanted to talk to my guitar teacher so he emailed me YESTERDAY to ask if it was okay and i was like fine. but he made me go to campus to reschedule THEN we dont even RESCHEDULE he was like we can just do that next week. i was like WHY AM I HERE RIGHT NOWWWW.
but whatever. John has his lesson before me so i just talked to John for a bit. he invited me to go to the lab with him (for like the sixth time in like two days) and i was like uh haha. i don't know. apparently he thinks i would like it. he was like you could divide some cells or something! i was like maybe some other time.
i mean i was in the lab with him last year he explained everything he was doing then to me and let me look through the microscope at a bunch of things and i was like my mind if going to explode.
me and science dont go well together.
but oh well.
also found out i have two research papers to write within two weeks.
sort of have research. but mostly dont
it's going to be real fun.
next semester i'm taking the easiest classes that i can find without making them seem to obviously easy. i mean i need 18 credits to graduate and i only need one class to fulfill my major.
14 free credits.
i'm def taking guitar again so that leaves me with 13. all my friends are like TAKE THIS TAKE THIS. and i'm like oh my word.
nina told me to take aural skills. which would be hilarious since i would never need that again.
and john told me to take some science class. because apparently he goes into the lab during that class time and it would be cool for him to wave to me apparently.
he also said he dances and sings during that class. i was like oh my hha.
then Kristin is asking about all these classes she wants to take and i'm like dude i haven't looked at ANYTHING yet. except the class i need and guitar.
i def need an advising session asap.
oh well.
haha.
so yeah i need to get ready to go to dinner.
restorative yoga afterwards. my ABSOLUTE favorite type of yoga. it's like extended nap time in yoga poses but you even bring pillows. love :)
so farewell :)

...and he said Speak Now.

So once again it's been um like 8 days since i've posted on here.
small rundown then i'll write what actually made me come on here...

uh didn't present last week my teacher moved it to well yesterday... ahha
fall break was nice. except i worked everyday. and my arm felt like it was going to fall off. seriously it was sore for days. still kind of is.
didn't really see any friends, unless they visited me at work.
but i went to target...
not like that's equivalent to friends.
ha.
but at target i found the book that made me really excited to present in life meaning and purposeful work.
i mean i still hate presenting, but i'm really excited about this book.
also the reason i'm writing this blog.!
the book is called "The Last Lecture"
it's about Randy Pausch's life. he was a computer science professor at Carnegie Mellon and they do this "journey's" series there (used to be called Last LEcture series) and he did his on really achieving your childhood dreams.
but anyways i read the book that was written based on that lecture and other parts that he added in.
and it just made me think what were my childhood dreams even.
that sounds terrible, but i honestly don't remember. i mean i know i really wanted to learn guitar. and i've always wanted to travel but besides that i can't think of anything. most girls would pry put get married have kids. but honestly i didn't want that when i was younger. i didn't "dream" about getting married until i was like 16.and even then i was like eh.
i mean now i think about it a lot (SINCE EVERYONE is like getting married in my grade. RIDICULOUS) but i dont' think i can ever say that was my childhood dream.
i don't know.
i was a strange child.
anyways this book was amazing, and it was cool reading life from his perspective and seeing how he achieved so many of his childhood dreams. it's amazing. and even though i didn't know him i'm sort of proud of him in a way. it's just kind of cool.
i HIGHLY recommend the book. in fact you can even watch his lecture
HERE
I mean i dont' know i personally prefer reading over seeing the lecture, he adds a lot more to his book and he is still really personable.
what a cool guy.
he really lived his life to the fullest and you know i really want to do that.
and in a way this book made me think about how i sort of am like pessimistic about love right now.
i mean that happens when your parents get divorced about 25(ish) years of marriage
i mean they weren't happy ( i mean my mom probably thought she was but i dont 'think she was)
and i just don't know. i still kind of can't agree with it. i mean the Bible kind of DOES NOT agree with divorce (unless there is cheating or abuse)
but i know if they stayed together no one would have been happy.
it's kind of a weird win-lose-lose-win kind of situation thing.

oh life.
anyways because of that i'm kind of like in this weird thing where i'm like you know SOMEDAY i want to get married, but i NEVER want to get a divorce. like ever.
so it kind of scares me when i think about dating because i don't really like the idea of "dating around" honestly i kind of think it's dumb. i mean i know you're looking for "the one" but i can't deal with heartbreak. heck my parents divorcing was enough for me.
so the next time i date i would love for him to be the guy i marry.
now you're probably asking yourself. why would you do that? so many guys out there, couldn't you find someone better?
etc. etc.
honestly. i dont know. and honestly. i don't care. i think when God sends this guy my way he's going to be the perfect guy FOR me. get that not the PERFECT guy, but the perfect guy FOR ME.
so i'm just waiting.
and i think God knows i'm not ready. since i'm still healing.
it's a big blow to the heart when your parents divorce.
and it's worse when you have two younger brothers who you want to protect, you know in that big sister sort of way.
although i must tell you, they are really funny. when i was home for fall break my youngest brother asked me about the guy in my profile picture on facebook (it's my friend John.) and i was like oh it's just my best guy friend on campus and he was like uh huh. and i was kind of like um seriously. it's my best guy friend on campus. no worries.
(even though we've had this blog talk before. possible crush? who knows. well i mean i should know...but i don't hahaha)
BUT then it was seriously weird, my middle brothers calls me, he CALLS ME. he barely ever calls/texts, he's having a good time at school and i'm really happy for him ( don't tell him this though but i secretly...well not so secretly wish we would talk more and have a better relationship) but i got a little nervous when he called.
i mean i thought something was wrong or something!
turns out he was just asking me about life, seeing what's up. you know acting all non-chalant, then at the end he was kind of like oh um who is that guy in your profile picture?
i was like haha totally the reason he called.
then i had to go through the entire best guy friend spiel again. and he was like whatever you say. and i was like um seriously best guy friend.
then i told him to come visit to meet him.
and then he goes oh i trust you.
and i was like um
1. you trust me about what?
2. obvioulsy if i get a boyfriend i'm telling the family. uh no duh.
3. what is his problem with not EVER wanting to visit.
4. i really WANT him to visit.
5. i like lists.
i mean obvs i didn't say this to him that would have been awkward but i was kind of like um haha okay.. then he was all gotta study bye.
and i was like um okay bye. love you etc etc.
and then we hung up and i just told my dad that it was SUPER weird that he called. and my youngest brother was in the room and i told him that Greg had asked about my profile picture too and my youngest brother was like I WIN BEST BROTHER I ASKED YOU ABOUT IT FIRST!!
and i was like uh woah.haha
but i'm kinda glad to see them looking out for me.
i mean i was bit worried they didn't care.
last time i dated they never questioned it or him at all. and i wish they would have.
so yes.
thats pretty much it.
it's past midnight and i legit have to wake up at like 7:40 am for work in the morning.
sad.times.

on the bright side i love T.Swift's new songs. SUPER stoked for her album
amazon has it for like 8 dollars at the moment well 10.98 with shipping. still a pretty sweet deal. i was all over that one. haha
also i still need Sel's new album, and the CR2 album....slacking majorly here.
if you wanna share...i would love you forever :)
aah.
okay goodnight loves. thanks for listening to my rantings?

hello. i love you. wont' you tell me your name.

so. i finished that paper last week. it didn't end up being that bad.
sort of.
i don't know.
but now I'm working on a five page paper due tomorrow. that i forgot about this weekend when i went home.
great times.
this dumb paper is on a 64 page book of RULES. and we are supposed to find the thesis which is non-existent (no seriously i've talked to my class mates and they said they couldn't' find it either) anyways it's on the book The Rule of Saint Benedict.
which is really boring and about the rules of being a monk.
don't know how i'm going to get 5 pages. but i think i'm going to use my friend John's advice. just use a lot of quotations from the book and explain them. which i sort of have to do anyways. but i'm just going to go way beyond what our teacher expects...
in hopes of reaching five pages.

anyways fall break is this week. i'm so excited.
i need a break.
although i'm working every day but i don't really care. i really like working at the scoop :)
free ice cream!!! haha
also this past weekend when i went home i was supposed to hang out with my friend Laura for her birthday. instead she chose to hang out with a boy. :/ and i even knew him from camp. i was like SO NOT COOL.
but it was alright. i went to see another girl from camp cheering at her school with one of my brother's ex-girlfriends..
ahha.
i know that's weird but somehow i become friends with his exes.
not my fault.
:)
anyways so we went to the football game with her brother and her friend Tim that she's known since second grade.
and we were joking about coming up with a story of why we were there but then we stood in the student section and the kids actually asked us why we were there.
so we told them we were starting school there on Monday.
and they believed us.
i was amazed that they thought it was for real. we told them we were all going to be seniors and that we were all related and that our cousin was one of the cheerleaders (our friend that we came to watch cheer)
it was amazing.
but also slightly terrible because these kids who were sophomores went and got this girl who is a senior and brought her up to us and she introduced herself to us.
then she was like asking us about our lives.
it was terrible.
but hilarious.
we told her we moved from texas. but we weren't originally from there since we don't have a texas accent or anything and that our parents are in the military or something.
it was pretty much the craziest night ever.
and every time i hang out with her i end up taking pictures with strangers, or apparently getting a whole new identity.
after the game we all went back to my bro's ex-gf's house and some of her friends came over and then it got so weird because her one friend kept asking tim EXTREMELY personal questions. (ie. boxers/briefs which led to if he was a virgin or not. it was probably one of the most awkward things that i have ever had to witness)
but then we watched Get him to the greek. which was kind of dumb, but kind of not. idk it had funny parts but i still kind of dont like russell brand, or jonah hill.
what can i say those movies aren't really my type.

anyways i really like going home now. i mean i love school and my friends but i like going home and spending time with my dad, i think he gets a little lonely since my youngest brother has to switch between house and house because of the divorce, and my other brother hasn't come home since he's been at school.
and i enjoy being around my dad now, i think this summer was good for our relationship.
:)

and speaking of relationships...
i'm still single! haha.

although i think i have a problem.. i think i'm starting to like my friend John. but the problem is i can't tell if i'm starting to like him or if it's just i like him as my friend.
this is always my problem. and it's terrible.
but the reason i think i actually like him is he said the other week something about starting to like a girl and i kind of was like oh my gosh. and it sort of hurt. not like oh my gosh i'm in pain but sort of like woah what if he dates someone.
i dont know if that sounds weird.
and i dont even know if i want to date john.
he's just himself.
so hard to explain. i mean he's awesome. but he's JOHN.
ahhh.
my life.

also on a sad note i just realized today while i was my guitar teacher's concert at school (which btw he's amazing at playing. i mean he should be he's won a Grammy but he's amazing) that this year at Christmas i'm going to have to go to TWO HOUSES. as in my mom's and my dad's.
and i dont' know what i'm going to do.
it makes me feel awkward
i mean i think i'm going to stay with my dad over winter break.
but the idea of having to go to my mom's house at a separate time is just weird.
:/

this is why if/when i get married i want to stay married FOREVER. and seriously death til us part. like that's legit for me.
i dont' want to ever get divorced. it's a life ruiner.
and i mean i can tell it's sort of made me narcissistic because at church (at school) yesterday we had to draw a picture of our family. and umm i drew a giant x between my parents.
then i felt like crying because we are doing a unit on family at church, and i was just like wow my family is a mess. everyone else had these happy pictures (well except John he drew his cat as a fire-breathing cat, although i guess that's still happy since he's oddly obsessed with cats) and mine just wasn't.
i don't know.
my life just feels like a mess.

on a happy note though. i still love learning guitar. like it feels so good to play. when i actually practice. i really enjoy it.
anyways i need to write this paper and sleep. or well i'm going to fail. and that's not cool.
so sorry for my random weird rants.
p.s. in case you wondering today it was 50 degrees and raining.
so unusual since last week it was like in the 70's. ridiculoussss.
love.