Dinosaur Silly Bands!

So my mom basically called me fat today.
without even saying the words. You know how moms give you that look that says it all. yeah she did that to me.
I was trying on this super awesome dress. It's basically the same style of dress that i look at everytime i go to Rice's been wanting one for years, and i was like today is the day. i tried it on. loved the color, and my mom just gives me that look. my grandma and my mom's friend were like wow you look so good in that! and i don't think they would lie about that. then my mom just gives me that look that's like. you know you have some love handles there you probably shouldn't be wearing that.
i just walked back into the dressing room, and wanted to cry.
i mean i've been working out. i do an ab workout like everyday now. and you know i'm feeling pretty good about myself. considering there is basically no healthy food to eat in my house, and no gym to use.
I'm doing what i can.
and it's worse cause of course i get mad. how can i not. as my mother i think she should know the difference in finding a way to tell me that dress isn't flattering and making me feel like i look horrible in a dress.
and honestly i feel like she never knows.
she always makes me feel fat.
just by the way she words things, and the looks she gives me, when say i'm having a bad day and i get a big scoop of ice cream. that look of disapproval shows up.
anddd i just want to smack her.
and her thing is "i'm just trying to make you happy with how you look"
and i'm like wow. is there ever a day where i have come up to you and said i dont feel happy with myself.
um no.
I'm pretty lucky with the fact that i have pretty good self-esteem.
and the one person who is going to bring that down is my own mother.
half of the time she doesn't even see it.
and then it's even worse because she tries to make ME feel bad for getting mad at the fact that she made me feel fat by saying she's stressing out about moving now.
and i just want to be like oh and that's my fault. and that gives you all the right to make me feel terrible about myself.
NOT.
i just want to remember how this feels when i have kids. and when/if i have a daughter i never want to make her feel fat. I want to reach any dreams she has. and if something doesn't look good on her i want to find a way to support her and let her know that it isn't flattering without making her feel fat.
i need to remember that feeling i had, because i never want anyone to feel the way i did when my mom gave me her stupid mother look.
and she has a stupid obsession with everything being fitted, or having a belt with it, since that used to be the style wearing a belt like around your waist when wearing a dress or a shirt.
and well i never liked that style. i kind of thought it was dumb. but it's not like i'm fashionista, and i know there are people who can pull that look off, but that look wasn't for me, and my mom still insists that i try that style. and i dont want to.
even today when i bought two dresses at rices (this was before the incident where she made me feel fat) she kept going well it isn't fitted at all, it's going to look like a bag when you wear it. and i was like wow. no it won't. and i'm glad my grandma and kathy were there because they were like it looks great,
then of course other people were looking at the dresses that i looked at and my mom was all. "my daughter bought the green one" i was like oh so now you like the dress.
i'm sorry. i know i'm like ranting. but i really needed to get this out.
it just hurt me that she would imply that.
i mean i'm not the skinniest girl on the planet, and i never will be, and honestly i don't want to be that skinny that i look sick. it's disturbing.
and my little brother was so adorable cause i was telling him a bit that my mother basically called me fat, and he was like your not fat, most guys want girls who aren't super skinny. it's better to be average.
and i was like aww. good boy. ahha
i kind of just want to go up to my mom and be like oh sorry mom that i'm not a freaking model.
but then she would probably get all offended and cry.
and that would make me even more annoyed.
so instead i'm going to do my laundry.
probably start taking down posters ( :( ) and rock out to my music. also probably ignore the fact that my mom wants to take more stuff down to my grandma's house to store there. and the fact that she is "stressed" about moving her bedroom furniture because it's "too big" and we won't be able to carry it. and how she can't afford a moving company or a truck. blah blah blah.
i feel like it's not that big. and if she really wants it, we'll figure something out.
heck i would take her bedroom furniture.
which this makes me realize. that you probably are wondering why i'm only saying my mom can't afford a moving company.
and i'm pretty sure i never mentioned it because i dont like talking about it...
but my parents are getting a divorce,
which is one of the main reasons we are moving.
this is one of those things that has a back story, but i dont really feel like writing about it right now at least.
this is also one of those things that makes children rebel.
and it's looking more and more like i'll be one of those children who rebel against both parents.
and it's not even like i'll be rebelling by doing something bad. i just don't want to live with either of my parents.
actually life would be easier if i was back at school.
as much as i dislike homework. i'm pretty sure i'd rather be there now.
yup i'm positive i'd rather be at school now.
freaking so stressed right now. and i probably just made my mom cry.
oh yup she's crying and she's yelling without yelling about her life.
can i go back to school now?

sigh.
on the bright side i bought silly bands today.
dinosaur ones, fruit ones, and band ones.
i guess i should go help my annoying crying mother.
i know everything happens for a reason, but right now life sucks.